It's chilly and rainy outside

and I love it. it makes me feel like I'm experiencing the season.

so with only a few days left before Christmas, I still have some shopping to do, and a whole lot of baking. Where has the time gone? I'm baking pies, and cakes, and tarts, and cookies, cookies, cookies galore. BUT I need to do that wednesday morning so I can get them out that day--talk about procrastination!

now that I'm on break, I'm determined to be productive:

1) reading list--I haven't picked up a book that wasn't required for school in a dang long time, and I need to fix that:
+ the feminine mystique
+ some hemmingway, mostly because I've only read 2 of his books, and neither of them were the heavy hitters, For Whom the Bell Tolls or The Sun Also Rises. Plus, this is perfect hemmingway reading weather.

2) college aps--I want to get this out of the way now, because I don't want to be bogged down by it in february when I'll have tons of other stuff to do. left on the list: SFSU, UW, GWU

3) G.Y.M. 'nuff said.

right now I'm in the middle of grading exams. I've got grades to turn in before Xmas--actually due tomorrow--but its just so long and time consuming, that I can't bring myself to finish it. hopefully i can get them done in the next 2 hours .O.O.

The Things I learned on the First of December:

+ the signature salted carmel hot chocolate from starbucks is NOT made with milk. ( o.o ) I'm not quite sure how I feel about that...

+ socks made from bamboo, despite how comfortable they are, simply can not stand up to wear quite that same way as cotton socks. I am, at this very moment, shedding panda socks all over this chair.

*shame*

I should preface this post by saying that I've enjoyed this semester of school immensely, and that it has probably been my favorite since I started the MA program--fewer languages, fewer classes, more focus on thesis, etc. And I really enjoy my seminar course since its the only class I'm taking this semester where I get to engage with my fellow peers, and get to see how they progress and struggle through the same process that I am currently in. we are bonded in the struggle lol.

anyway, I'm very happy to study antiquity. I've been engaged with my sources and my research for quite some time, and before that, I was always looking to the past as a subject of interest and study. and although every field of history is unique, with its own complications and limitations, I can't help but feel that antiquity and pre-modern history is so completely different, and to a certain extent more difficult, than modern history. but I thought I had a happy medium where I lived in the modern world with all its problems and complexities, and yet could transition to the ancient world. I've only recently discovered, however, how unattached I am to the events and conflicts of today, globally, and how one sided I've been. This was, in part, due to that previously mentioned seminar class. I sat in class, feeling the shame that could only be mine for my own ignorance and conceit. thus shamed. shamed. for shame.

You're not one of those...Feminists, are you?

The Good Wife's Guide

+ Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

+ Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

+Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

+Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

+Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first--remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

+Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

+Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

+A good wife always knows her place.

Those are just a few gems from Housekeeping Monthly 1955. hurray for feminism!

The Loneliest Man in the World.

I've recently started studying at a starbucks that is by my house because it's relatively quite and doesn't experience the lunch rushes that panera does, and no, I won't tell you which one because you'll go there and kill the quite study atmosphere. but right next to it is a french eatery that I have frequented in the past. Well, last time I was at starbucks, I noticed that the inside of the french place was completely remodeled and that they upped the classy level to a really cute restaurant (as opposed to cafe). But it was absolutely dead inside, except for the one waiter/host/owner(?). I first noticed him eating what I can only suppose was an elegant meal that he was enjoying, by himself, with a lovely glass of white wine. Later, I saw him fixing the linens on the tables outside. Finally, on my way home, I looked into the well-lit french restaurant and saw the image of the loneliest man in the world. He was sitting on a bar stool, just peering into the darkness outside, completely alone. In all of that time, I don't believe there was a single soul who walked into that restaurant. And I wondered if he even had a cook or chef to keep him company. As I walked to my car, I couldn't shake the haunting thought that he looked like the loneliest man in the world from my head.

Today, however, I realized why. I tried to call in a salad order to this place earlier today for lunch. There wasn't an answer which struck me as odd considering how dead I saw the place and wouldn't they run to pick up the phone for an order? But later I went to study at starbucks again, and I realized that the reason why it looked different, why no on answered the phone, and why no one went into the restaurant, was because the previous cafe was bought out and replaced my the loneliest man in the world's restaurant. Today, in fact, was their grand opening! The sign of the cafe hasn't been taken down yet, which led me to believe that they were still one and the same. And I was glad to see some people walking to the new restaurant. It made me think that the loneliest man in the world would not have to spend another night in an empty restaurant.

Things I'm Excited For!!!~

- San Francisco! Even though I'm only going up for a few hours on Friday, I seriously cannot wait to go I <3 SF! =D

-Thanksgiving & Thanksmas! All the cooking shows make the best stuff just in time for the holidays & I'm writing down everything! dried cranberry & apple stuffing, brie mashed potatoes, red velvet cookie sandwiches, pumpkin cheesecake yum yum yum!! And I cant wait for thanksmas this year! we have so much to be thankful for & its always good to spend the holidays with friends & eat great food!

-the Holiday season! I love love love love love November-December because its cheerful and warms the soul <3 just like hot chocolate on a cold night. I always start to listen to frank sinatra, louis armstrong, ella fitzgerald, & think of new york even though I've never been =( I really wish I could go to New York this year but with the finances being as tight as they are, thats a plan put on hold.

-Our New President!! OBAMA-SAMA~woot=D

just..gotta get through classes first. big big big presentation tomorrow that I'm stressing over. Must get through it though, and san fran awaits me the next day.

Happy November 2nd!

I don't have a theme for this post. It's just a bunch of random thoughts because I'm avoiding my homework haha.

Halloween was fun!~~I ended up being a ballerina for the night. The idea hit me while I was at the fabric store, and I wandered into the pretty netting/tulle aisle. I was reminded of Degas' ballerinas: 

I love Degas' ballerinas--and Ballerinas in Blue especially. So I bought my stuff and made my tutu! it was a lot of work on a friday afternoon in which I also had to write a paper :I

The girls were fun too! handsome christ and glowing jaz were morticia and gomez from the adams family, tiff was the girl from futurama, hole was 80s, nessa was a firewoman but looked like mrs. claus, sheens was rhianna. oj looked like a doctor, but wasnt just any doctor. His name tag (mine) reads: McDreamy hahaha. and he put product in his hair!

Tuesday is the big day!! Make sure you guys get out a vote vote vote! I know how I'm voting on the bigger issues, but I need to read up on some props and candidates platforms. I think more than just voting, its important to be a responsible voter. So brush up on your reading skills & make your votes count on Tuesday!!

I need to figure out a better financial situation. things are getting dire because I'm literally living pay check to pay check--and making coffee doesn't pay the bills. I have 2 other side jobs, but I only get paid monthly, and so its not a reliable source of income. With the holiday season coming up, I dont know what I'm going to do. Rob a bank?

the History of it.

Ever think about the future?

And no, I'm not talking about tomorrow, or even tomorrow's tomorrow, or even the tomorrow after that. And I'm definitely not talking about the future of an individual life. Think weeks, months, years, centuries, even millenia in the future... and the life of the people therein. 

In the midst of my studies, it often occurs to me that my life's work, all my efforts at crafting aspects of a social history, is the result of happenstance or sheer chance. I choose to study ancient history. I choose to explore, examine, and interpret the works remaining of a by-gone age, of a civilization whose only testament of existence is found in weather worn monuments, faded inscriptions, the ruins of buildings, and the fragmentary complilation of text. The grandeur of Rome, of its famed Republic and its notorious Emperors, of its legendary wars and

mythological gods, of its people, all reduced to its by products. 

So after a civilization dies, what remains? What stories are left to be told? What lessons learned? And what is left to be remembered by?

And how is it possible for someone like me, living some two thousand years later, to have even the smallest hope of understanding what it must have been like for a woman--a woman--to live a life where she had nearly no say in the events of her life, and where she always lived under the hand of a man. 

And what will someone living two thousand years from today, from this moment, from this breath, have to say about our own civilization? What will remain? What stories will be left? How will we be remembered?

Do them all a favor. Buy books. And write. Write in something tangible so that the person in the future can have something tangible to say, here, here is what a life was like. 

The one where I'm productive (sorta).

Last night I wasn't feeling well after trying to play scrabble on an iphone in the car. I passed out at 7pm and didn't wake up until 7am today. It was my own fault too. I knew I was going to get sick but who am I to let a little illness hold me back from a game of scrabble? After deciding to skip out of our cycling class, the juice and I went to hillcrest for breakfast at hash house. 3 times is the charm because we tried to go twice before (on the weekend) and the line/wait was much too long for our empty stomachs. But today being a indiscript tuesday, the wait time was exactly zero seconds long. I got the smoked house scramble with sun dried tomatoes, goat cheese and spinach with griddled mashed potatoes, yellow watermelon and a big buttery biscuit & the juice got the fried chicken sage eggs benedict--it was GINORMOUS!! the plate was seriously 10 lbs. I like going to HH because its good food thats worth every penny you pay for it. Big portions & always take home boxes. You eat for the whole day=)

after another nap (food coma!), I got home to take care of some business. party planning, job searching, fafsa filling, email sending, gre studying. I feel half accomplished today. the thing that would make it better is if I hit the gym. the juice's basketball game was cancelled today so there's absolutely no reason for me not to go. no reason. no reason. no reason. man I hate the gym. 

on another note, I was emailing the volunteer coordinator today about my schedule this month & she let me know that they will hiring for a new position and that it should be up in a few days. I'm excited and yet not because me being a volunteer doesnt necessarily mean I'll be hired. After being disappointed at all the other museum/arts jobs I've applied to, it doesnt look promising. I have no real idea what the position will be, but I'm hoping. 

oh, and its my dad's birthday. feliz cumpleanos pinche=)

Worth Striving For.

I've decided that life can only be lived in strives. yes, strives.

Life can pass you by in million fleeting and whispery moments that barely let you analyze anything about what you feel in that moment or what you think about the world in that moment or how you view yourself in that moment. The overall effect can be, well, numbing. Combined with our daily routines of school, work, tv programs, laundry, or maybe for the lucky ones, gym-going, we can get lost in the monotony of it all and lose our sense of direction. of purpose. of being. we become numb. we grow accustomed. but even worse, we stop dreaming. 

It is only in the dreaming, the striving, the desire, do we find purpose. In the yearning for something more do we see ourselves as plainly as we ever had. In the hoping do we make change--in ourselves, in our bodies, in our minds, and hopefully in the world. perhaps we never get to see our lives as clearly as when we are in the act of striving. striving is what keeps us. what keeps us whole, what keeps us sane, what keeps us alive. Because the minute we stop striving, is the minute we grow numb and loose ourselves all over again. the journey moves us and is what moves us. 

 it is powerful. it is what moves the world. it is desire and passion and irresistible. striving is beautiful. to strive is to live. to live well. to live happily. like jesse, happiness is in the doing.

This is how my heart behaves...

what does it mean to have a great love?

is it heart-pounding in your ears nervousness? is it sweaty palms? is it moments of sheer euphoria? is it mutual? is it unrequited? does it come with crippling sadness? is it every moment of every day? is it conscious? is it deliberate? is it sickening? is it considerate? is it always? is it ever boring? is it found racing in your veins? is it always novel? is it beautiful?

is it the kind of love fairy tales are made of? 

I, of all people, should know better. I call myself a cynic, a pessimist, and I am fully aware of the reality of life. And yet I still am, at my best, a ridiculously hopeless--and I mean hopeless--romantic. I won't hardly admit aloud that I like the idea or soulmates--of the idea that two people were made entirely for one another, of destiny, of happily-ever after and all that (I know, I cringe as I read this too).

The worst part of life for people like me, and all you sick romantics, is we are constantly measuring our relationship against the impossible knight in shining armour, Mr. Perfect, or, as I like to call him, Mr. Darcy. 

Because...whether we admit it to ourselves, or whether we wear our hearts on our sleeves for the whole world to see... we want that great love. I want that heart-stopping kind of love, those ever illusive moments where something far greater than yourself just overwhelms you and makes you a part of something cosmic and instinctive and awe-some. 

So can people like me ever have normal relationships? Sure, I can say that I know the difference between whats real and whats ideal, but that doesn't mean I won't still have expectations or fantasizes inspired by my own Mr. Darcy of what I want out of relationships and what I want from anyone I'm with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dressing up in period costume or purposely trying to create moments of romantic comedies. And I know I shouldn't, because it's incredibly unfair, but  I can't help but think...

is this the way it's supposed to be?

Is this my great love? Is this it?

oh, perish the thought. the whole point of Mr. Darcy is that he IS ideal. He is perfect. He is flawless. He lives in a world that is controlled solely by me and my thoughts and my wants and needs. He can always be everything I need. He never fails me. But the boyfriends of the reality kind are a bit different. They have flaws. Lots of them. They have no idea what I'm thinking or needing or feeling. They don't always come through. They can't be my everything.

So where does that leave me? Do I forfeit the dream of the Mr. Darcys and the Mr. McDreamys for the Mr. LetmeDowns and the Mr. MakemeCrys just because the boys of the reality kind have settled for some deficient standard? Must I, in turn, settle? Do I give up on the notion of a perfect feeling of love?

Or is it a matter of shifting my perspective? Mr. Darcy will always be there when I need him, but in the meantime, maybe this reality kind of love is exactly what I'm meant to have. What I'm supposed to experience and perfect in ways I have yet to appreciate.  

It may not always be butterflies, or sweaty palms. It may not be an obvious kind of love. It may not be the stuff that fairy tale endings are made of. 

But it is a real kind of love. It is a truer kind of love. And that is more than any Mr. knight in shining armour could ever give.

Where did the time go?

It's already mid-summer and I can honestly say that I have accomplished a whole lot...of nothing, that is. Ideally, I would already have read through a couple books, translated a couple hundred lines of latin, be along in my internship, begun studying to retake my GRE. what exactly have I done? Watched all 20+ episodes of season 3 Grey's Anatomy, played a couple hundred rounds of text twist (now conveniently located on my bookmarks bar), not to mention my daily crossword, dropped my internship. summer just has a way of making me LAZY, I can't help it. 

On another note, I am cooking/baking a whole lot. trying out new recipes and even my birthday present (my food processor) which I finally got around to using last week when I was making cheesecake. It even came with a recipe book so I can make my own bread and pizza dough among other things. The only draw back is that since I bake so much, I'm also left E.A.T.I.N.G. all that I make which isnt a good thing for me, the gym-dis-inclined haha.

BUT he and I started taking a cycling class on tuesdays (and possibly) thursdays so at least I'll be forced to go since I'm in a class. I like the instructor guy on tuesdays because he's chill and plays 80s music, but the girl on thursdays is sooo psycho. we were late for her class so we didnt go in since we couldnt get bikes next to each other, but I was watching through the glass and she was making them go so fast and hard for like the whole hour. people were just dripping sweat and looked like they were training for the freaking tour de france. I would have died if I was in that class. So I think i'm sticking to tuesday mornings as my cycle day. the funny thing was, last class, oj couldnt even make it through the whole hour. he said he was "dehydrated" so he left about half way through and right before we did the most grueling part of the class! talk about being lazy!

on another note, my bestest backup in the whole wide world finally came home last week! I was so excited and nervous to see him after him being away in Paris for a whole year--and our communication was sparse. it was a long tough year but its so wonderful to have him back and we have such plans to get to! the only thing that could make things better is if sonya would just get back here and stay here...

today...

I didn't do much. I watched a lot to TV on the only 4 channels I know since we moved from time warner cable to cox. food network. bravo. e! and mtv. boy meets grill. e news weekend. forbes top 20 royals. iron chef. top chef. americas best dance crew auditions... that, and a few rounds of text twist. my head started to hurt after awhile. and I wonder at how I'm going blind.

BUT I did make biscotti today! the first batch turned out a little on the crispy side since I was watching ABDC but the second batch was perfect. honey and almond. honey and walnut. the reciepe was originally honey and almond, but it asked for slivered almonds, and I only had whole shelled almonds. after 20 minutes of nut-cracking and attempting to make slivers, I gave up and toasted walnuts haha. they are tasty but not break-your-teeth kind of hard, so I'm pretty darn proud of myself =D

so yesterday I got my hair cut. finally. at least 5 inches cut off. feels lighter and healthier but I feel like I have NO HAIR haha. who know how people talk about phantom pain? well I have phantom hair hahaha. the only thing, is that I should have stopped the layers earlier because...well because, in a certain light, it could look like I have a mullet. lol. I didnt make an appointment and so the girl who usually does my hair was booked, so I had a new girl. she was fun, we had an interesting conversation about movies and boys. it was the best salon talk I've had. lol.

Summer Lovin'

These are lazy days. lots and lots of sleep. some work. more play. It's like a complete 180 from my life one month ago when I was super busy, had no sleep and definitely no time to play. These are definitely summer days. 

...but I also have a tendency to become bored easily. bored, and antsy. because I have all this time, I want to go out and do something. A few days of rest and doing absolutely nothing are much needed after the stress of school, and I am always grateful to have them, but then, after about 2 weeks or so, I start to get bored. especially now, I have no summer school or anything. plus the friends are in vegas this weekend so I'm just hanging out at home, when I'm not at work. 

which brings me to the topic of that place in which I get paid too little and treated like I'm an idiot and irritated by people who talk too much and do too little. anyone whose known me for a while knows that I can never stay at a job for too long. jobs are jobs are jobs because I've never been employed doing what I want to do...mostly because I didn't know what I wanted to do and so could never find a job that could turn into a career. I take a job to suit my lack of income, stay at it for about a year, and for whatever reason, around the year mark, something happens where I just snap and quit. Don't get me wrong, I don't go all crazy and go all dramatic, and usually no big turning point occurs, but I just get a... feeling. I think it might be the mixture of becoming accustomed to the job to the point of monotony and boredom, combined with the overwhelming realization that the job does absolutely nothing for me but feed my income. I have no real interest in retail, food service, customer service etc., and the pointlessness becomes over bearing. Plus, I'm probably irritated enough where I decide that I just don't care enough to pretend anymore that I do. So what are my options? What do I do? I quit! haha. 

now now, this does NOT label me a quitter. I'm not quitting at any of my life goals or my aspirations, and definitely not at anything that actually holds some relevance for me. I'm just making a decision to part with an aspect of my life that I feel no longer suits me. It's natural. The longest job I held was at the hotel, but thats because the money kept me in haha. Looking back, it was a good thing, and maybe I should have stayed longer--but then who wants to get trapped in some job just for the money? Not I. I always wanted to aspire to living my life's joy--and so in essence, you could say that by quitting on all my jobs, I'm NOT quitting on that dream. so hah.

I did have the chance to leave a couple of times before for other jobs. But I suppose a part of me was not fed up yet, and still comfortable, with my current job to actually leave. Another factor, in which there is no point of denying, is that I stayed for him. 

but now let me say, it's time to move on. I'm starting to get really interested in public history, and I'm in the process of applying for different positions and internships. I did get the internship with the Archaeological Center--I start this Thursday. But everyone seems to be on vacation, so I won't here back from the Historical Society for a few more days at least. But here's hoping for something good! =)

rained on.

this memorial weekend oj and I decided to go up to san francisco. everything was nice (except for maybe the weather), the food was especially good, napa valley was funny, and the company couldn't be better. it all made for a very relaxing reward after such a rough semester.

the worst part of it, however, was coming home just to be yelled at for cleaning, or more specifically, not cleaning my room--what a way to completely ruin the weekend. It's as if my whole vacation was just an excuse for people to go into my room and go through my stuff. That's so damn annoying. I need a lock on my door or something. And she wonders why I never tell her anything. Now I'm just sitting in my room not willing to go out or talk to anyone. I came home with gifts and ready to talk about how my weekend went, and now my good mood is completely ruined. 

In this sense, I think me and the boy are similar. cross us once, and we are ready to hold grudges against you forever. there really is no point in trying. What freaking drives me crazy is that she thinks I have all this time to clean--when I really know that its just a metaphor. That I can't be too busy since I have time to spend with him. What crap. Yes I prioritize--who doesn't? but she doesn't understand that I have a million things going on--how could she possibly know what I have going on in my life when I don't tell her ANYTHING. She has no conception of what I'm doing and I'm not willing to let her in on the details of my life because, lets face it, there's no real point now and I swear as long as I keep a clean room, it wouldn't matter if I shot someone. 

anyway, it just makes me want to move out. and yet I know the reality of my situation. Well, hopefully by this time next year my prospects will look brighter.

but man, I hate it when someone rains on my parade.

COGITO ERGO SUM?

Last night was my last class for my magic course and for as much work as it has been, I really enjoyed the class and the teacher and the people. We sat around for most of the class discussing the possibilites of our futures and what it means to be not only a scholar, but a historian. Granted, I don't really consider myself a historian but then neither do I consider myself a classicist but rather somewhere in between. Anyway, we had a really good discussion because our prof basically told us everything we needed to know about the "business" of being a scholar, the good and the bad, and realistic expectations we should all know going forward in our education. Pretty much all of us want to get our PhDs, and we all had our worries and questions. Where I fit in this equation is somewhere on the fence. I say that only because while I would like to get my doctorate, I know what I look like on paper and thats not very promising. Plus, a lot of the time I feel out of my league when parlaying with actual graduate students. Not to mention that I hate schmoozing--but I suppose I can never get away from it. networking is such a bastard. 

So that leaves me...guarded, I suppose. And by that I mean that I am proceeding in a certain direction, but I'm absolutely leaving myself open for LIFE. And just because I dont want to vocally commit to something does not mean that I'm wishy-washy either. I just dont like to be disappointed. 

The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face...

that song is on repeat on my itunes right now. I love it and Leona Lewis has such a good voice. I dang near cried when I first heard it! I got her CD today and its probably my fav.

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies.

and the first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hands
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love.

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last and last and last till the end of time

The first time ever I saw your face....

*sigh* deep. I wish that were true for me and/or I could feel like that for someone. or someone would feel like that for me?ehhhh. haha.

After yesterday's great dinner I made, I thought I would start the day with some fresh banana bread. But it didnt work out so well. I swear I want to be a baker, but all of my cuisine turns always turn out better than my desserts. I have to bake some red velvets for tuesday night class, so hopefully I wont get a repeat of todays disaster!

this summer

While I'm only on page 8 of writing a 25 page paper, I am dreaming of this summer...

things to do include:

-san francisco trip
-seattle trip
-internship
-tea time
-hash house
-gelato nella picola italia
-tapas a la costa brava
-del mar faire

I was at panera and the internet was down so there was NO ONE there. I managed to get some writing done but got bored so I left. Then I find out that all 3 printers in the house are out of ink. such a bad day for computer gadgetry. I did, however, manage to complete all forms for the internship application today. I'll print everything out tomorrow so I can mail it off monday. after that, its the waiting game and finding out how much God still likes me.

what else happened today? oh I made really good fried rice!! I was very proud of it =D

also, I found out today that one of my friends is freaking touring around Asia. sooo lucky. I can't wait to be done and out in the world! 2 weeks left. 3 monster papers left. living room/pannakin all week.

Baudelaire <3

"And I go to bed proud to have lived and to have suffered in some one besides myself.
Perhaps you will say 'Are you sure that your story is the real one?' But what does it matter what reality is outside myself, so long as it has helped me to live, to feel that I am, and what I am?"
--Baudelaire

Happiness is __________________________.

For many people, happiness is money, family, friends, fame, love, laughs, moments, the stuff of life.

I, unfortunately, am one of those people who never know they are happy until they are made to be unhappy. so for me, happiness comes in waves of not being unhappy. which is, in itself, pitiful.

I'm in the process of re-evaluating my life because its gotten to the point where its far to complicated for my liking. Its exhausting. so I've gotta look at my wants, needs, goals and that which I can do without. school? oh so necessary. work? ehh I need a job but my place of employment is up for change. family? I'm stuck with them. friends? as cliche as it sounds, they've stuck with me through everything. before I was anything, they were there, so they stay.
the bf? now this is where it gets complicated. its odd though, that I should be thinking this because this is the one part that I thought I would be so sure of, and would never have to reconsider. and so that brings us to the question of why, out of all those aspects, would I even consider ending this relationship? perhaps the easiest answer, and by far the simplest, is that, honestly, I've lived 22 years on my own (with family and friends of course) and have done just fine. I've not done too bad for what I've been able to accomplish on my own, and without this relationship, everything is manageable for me. and theres still so much more I want to do but I can never get a grasp on my life. do you think I really would have done half as much as I have if I were caught up in relationships? but the key to al that argumentation is that that was how I was and how my life was before. Before the summer, and before this love, and before this hope. would it even be possible for me to just go back to what I was before and still be as content as I once was? And why is my answer to just run and jump ship? Why can't I stick around to make it work, if only because there's not another option? And am I just finding excuses because its hard and I dont know what to do with myself? And why can't I say this to his face? Why can't love be enough? Because the issue at hand is not whether or not I love him. it comes down to timing, and I wont let him wait for me. Its not fair to either or us.

I'm feeling all sorts of inadequacy, incompetency and depression. and I feel it consuming me.

Save the Honey Bees!

I like to read cooking magazines. they give me recipes to try out with full colored pictures so I know what the end result is supposed to be. anyway, did you know that HONEY BEES are in danger of becoming endanger??

In 24 states throughout the country, beekeepers have gone through similar shocks as their bees have been disappearing inexplicably at an alarming rate, threatening not only their livelihoods but also the production of numerous crops, including California almonds, one of the nation’s most profitable. - from the new york times.

how much does one bee make in its lifetime? 1/12 of a teaspoon. and while no on knows for sure what is causing the bees to drop like flies, theres research going on and you can help!

Haagen-Dazs loves Honey Bees--and they have a new flavor, Vanilla Honey Bee Ice Cream and proceeds go to helping the honey bees. Saving the world by eating ice cream, that I can do haha.

speaking of which, on May 13 they are sampling out the ice cream at the Haagen Dazs in La Jolla from 4-8pm!! =D so go get yours.

1 in the morning

and I'm just waking up from a 4 hour nappy nap. It was supposed to only be an hour and a half nap--I even set 2 alarms!!! But being me, I just kept snoozing until I finally turned them off and went back to sleep hahaha. The funniest thing was that I kept waking up to try and study, but then in my dreams I was studying, which meant that I just went to sleep because I thought I was studying. my body has learned to deceive me. but why shouldn't it? I've been deceived by far worse.

I got my state tax return today (yay $3!) as well as my "paycheck" from the jury duty I served. I love getting money when its unexpected or when you think you haven't deserved it. Like finding money in your pocket after you washed your jeans. Or randomly finding money on the floor. Its happened to me twice where I've found $5 on the floor haha. It was weird because it happened in one week--one week where money was just falling out of the sky for me haha. Too bad it hasn't happened since =(

well, my paycheck was $114 including gas money for all the inconvenience of going downtown for a week on the trolleys where I had to sit next to scary/smelly/crazy people, and sometimes had to jump off the trolley because I didnt actually pay for tickets and some guy was actually checking for tickets. But then the ticket machines dont take credit cards so what's a girl to do? Anyway, every single dollar of my $117 is being put away for san fran. I need to start saving up! but then I'm just getting by right now and I probably wont pick up any more hours until the trip, so maybe i need to rethink this whole thing because I wont actually have money to pay it haha.

well my tea has cooled down some, and after snacking on some cookies, I think I'm ready to get back to some real studying. tomorrows a loooong day, and it begins now.

today is the same as yesterday...

I just found out I owe $24 in library fines. eek. and thats only my school library. I also owe a hefty amount at the public library. double eek. I really wish I were better about returning books. I could save so much money that way... sigh.

I'm in the library waiting for my class to begin @ 11. Its a relatively quiet week for me, but I know its the quiet before the storm. big test tomorrow to study for. But all I want to do is start planning the san francisco trip, but someone is being incredibly unhelpful. this is one situation where being passive and indecisive does not help. oy vey. that reminds me, I gotta request time off!

I got a message from matthew late last night (which means some time in the day in France?) and I was hit with a big wave of saddness. Being so far apart is not something that I'm unused to with matthew or sonya, but its more extreme in this case. I can't even pick up the phone to call them. and random emails and messages through facebook aren't quite the same, and it makes me feel so sad that I'm missing out on so much of their lives (Sadaf too since I never see her!). it makes it harder when you hear that things arent going so well on that side of the world either. sonya gets back in august (and bringing with her a new love!) and I think matthew somewhere around that time as well, which is exciting. And even though August is still 3+months away, we've already gone through 7 months so the next 12ish weeks should breeze by quickly. I hope so anyway. I miss random trips to borders and sitting in the travel section talking about nothing at all. Or heading out to the beach just because its beautiful out. And having tea. And doing all those things where we took advantage of our time together and the wonderfulness of living in san diego. I miss those times and cant wait to have them again!

but until then, back to studying.

something new.

a new blog. and although I love posting on group blogs, this time its just for me. I'm not really sure why I decided to start this because even as I type these few sentences I'm already thinking about time being taken from all the stuff I have to do. call me a slacker. Its getting to be the last few weeks of the semester and I'll be busier than usual...I really need to buckle down and focus. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. Work is work but then theres school which takes up a lot of time not to mention the fact that I'm supposed to spend time at home, with the girls, with sadaf and then theres the bf. I can't give quality time to any of them really, but trying to give time to them all is hard to do. and it doesnt help when everywhere I go I keep getting guilt trips about me not being around. well, I'm trying. and nobody seems to understand how hard it is on me. all school is not the same and the work thats demanded of me is hard enough without feeling guilty all the time. but I know I shouldnt complain because I knew it would be like this, especially since I want to be done in next may. only. one. year. left. damn it.

I'm so looking forward to summer. no summer school, and a much needed vacation. trips to san francisco and seattle too! I'm way excited. but knowing me, I'll start to go a little crazy with all the free time hahaha. as much as I complain about having so much to do and not any time to do it in, once I get too much free time I feel the need to be busy haha. so I'm hoping to intern this summer. I hope hope hope against hope that I'll get somewhere good that I can continue for the fall so I can quit my job and focus on something I can do after I graduate.

and I guess that's all I have for now.

oh, except, happy 6.