Ooh, HARRY!

Jumped on a scale today for the first time in forever.

saw something horrific.

jumped off scale & cried a bit under my covers.

That's it. I need to re-vamp my health.

(and, fyi: "ooh, harry" is my friend's 2 year old son's way of saying : "ooh, SCARY.")

that is all.

Warning: Ranting Ahead

I want to punch my landlord in the face sometimes. Okay maybe not sometimes, all of the time.

I don't consider myself a very difficult person. You let me know what I can or can not do, what the expectations of me are, and most likely, I'll abide by them, even though, and especially when, I think its shit.

But I just need things to be clear. I need to know where I stand at all times.

My landlord is the most scatter-brained, uneloquent, most confusing person ever. He never ever tells me everything I need to know upfront, so when issues arise and I bring them up to him, he questions me like I'm an idiot because HE thinks he already explained things to me. Riiight.

And when things break down, don't work, or something happens in which my roommate and I are dissatisfied, I am usually the one to contact him. And I guess that's led him to believe that I'm "difficult"--as he explained to my roommate, as if I wasn't going to hear about it. He said to her that finding someone to sublet my room shouldn't be a problem because she's so easy to live with, but that if it were opposite (she moving out and him finding someone to live with me), he'd have a hard time because I'm "difficult."

I don't even know where to start.

True, I may have yelled at him/raised my voice at him once, but trust me he deserved it. Basically, he's made my life complete hell for the last 4 months, because he can't be direct. It's so frustrating, and I might have yelled at him because I was fed up (plus other things, like I was talking on the phone with our internet provider and was trying to listen to what they were telling me, and he's in my other ear trying to tell me what to do..ugh!).

Don't even get me started on this subletting process. I don't even want to deal with it anymore because it's stressing me out because, again, I don't know what he wants me to do. I did what he said, and then he's like no no its wrong because you didn't do this this and this, well then buddy, why didn't you TELL ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Let me preserve my energy, my time, my sanity!

I just want to get away already. San Diego, come save me.

OVER it.

I think I'm experiencing cabin fever for the first time in my life.

But, is it probably because I'm living with someone who is not at all related to me for the first time in my life.

And I'm going to go crazy.

At first it wasn't at all bad. And don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl, and I'm actually really grateful to her for many things.

But wow does she like to talk.

I don't know what it is... this past year I realized that I've been talked at by certain individuals--my officemate this past school year, and now, my roommate. Is there something about me that just makes them want to talk about every and anything that comes to there head? Why can't they enjoy silence? Or is there something about me that just screams that my thoughts and opinions don't matter, therefore I should never, ever, be allowed to say anything in this one-sided conversation?

In any case, I'm pretty sick of it.

When we went through that insane, craptastic summer school class recently, it was fine because I didn't have time to deal with her and vice versa. But these last two weeks have been... grating on my nerves. I've noticed that she's one of those people who is great with filling silence--which can be lovely in certain situations. But that also makes her a great talker, and not a great listener.

she also has this tendency to monopolize conversations. Since I'm around her ALL the time, I've heard all the same stories, repeatedly. and boy, do they get told a lot. so not only can I not participate in conversation, I have to hear the same stories all the time.

And last night, and incident occurred that I'm still upset about.

yesterday at our apartment we were hanging out with another one of the people in our program--the three of us-- when she brings up a topic and proceeds to make a three person conversation become a two person conversation...and guess who the odd person out is? At this point, I'm pretty freaking used to the idea of just sitting, nodding my head and giving the appropriate "mmhmm"s, but then maybe around 10-15minutes of me being excluded, that no, she was going to continue to ignore my presence.

needless to say, I was pissed.

so then I became rude. I pulled out my phone and starting texting people, showing how bored I was/how rude she was.

when it became clear that she was going to continue to be rude and disrespectful to me--in my own living space--I just got up and got ready to bed while they had a love fest on the couch.

this morning, I ducked out of the apartment before she woke up and spent the whole day out and didn't respond to her texts. I went to a nice cafe, drank some tea, did some work. I took a nice walk around. I read more of Eat Pray Love outside underneath big walnut trees. I ate korean food. I went to Church. It was lovely.

I have never, ever, had my presence--my very existence--so blatantly ignored like that. I'm so offended. I won't say anything to her, I'll just let it go, but in turn, I want to not have to deal with her or her drama.

OMG did I MENTION HER DRAMA?!?!?!

I don't know if its because shes 21 or what, but she just complains about EVERYTHING. & there's all sort of boy trouble that, quite frankly, I don't want to hear about because it just seems so childish. She has all the drama 21 year olds carry around with them, and honestly, its something that I feel I shouldn't have to deal with.

I don't need anymore friends. Or at least, I don't need to be bffs with my roommate. The most I want is to GET ALONG.

Because I'd rather feel all the depth of my loneliness than hang out with someone out of some warped sense of obligation.

wow, I didn't mean for this to turn out into a rant about my roommate. & now I feel bad for blogging about her.

but not bad enough that I won't publish this ish.

finally

I can't believe it's taken me until APRIL 2010 to finally, finally, cook a real meal. Anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy cooking, no matter what the end result. I like to try to make new recipes and experiment making interesting and delicious things. It felt really good to be over a hot stove, to bang around pots and pans, to season and taste. I can't believe I've let myself go this long without cooking anything. I've been too busy and stressed to make anything but really quick snacks/lunches. I kept it simple tonight with a really simple spring pasta which celebrated the flavors of the season, and I also made delicious hibiscus tea to go along with it. so so good.

Hello old friend. Let's not part again.

spilled milk.

theres no use crying over something that is already done. the shiteth hath already hiteth the fan. so buck up, get to work, and be better. wallowing solves nothing.

grr.

I was all set to post something really nice and up beat and maybe a bit profound [i wish] but I'm way too upset at the moment to do anything else but complain.

See, today I experienced all sorts of discrimination from ageism to sexism and, quite frankly, I'm fed up.

First, the boba shop where I experienced ageism from both a group of customers, as well as from the lady at the counter taking orders, I was overlooked even though I was CLEARLY standing there as the next person in line. The customers--or rather, one guy, so maybe this is sexism too-- full on cut me as if I wasn't even there. After that, the lady at the counter saw me standing closer to her as the next person in line, and literally overlooked me--looked over me-- to try and help the older woman standing behind me.

wtf. stop treating me as if I'm dispensable.

And later today, and this is what really made me upset, is the audacity of my students. No, that is unfair, because it is really just this ONE GUY. This one 19/20 year old guy who either doesn't respect me because I'm a girl, or because I'm relatively young, or maybe even both.

Let me relate the contents of our email exchange:

@ 5:59 pm from student to me: Just checking, the second essay is due the coming friday right

@ 6:04 pm from me to student: Actually, the paper was due this past Friday, 3/12. Try to get the paper to me as soon as possible, or if you have questions come see me.

@ 6:14 pm from student to me: wait it was already due i thought there was a week extension

@ 6:19 pm from me to student: I don't know why you thought there was an extension. Check the syllabus for the due dates for the papers.

@ 6:23 pm from student to me: damn, can you tell me where the prompt for this essay is and how many points will I loose for the delay

@ 6:35 a NEW email from student to me with subject heading: "c'mon help out"

@ 6:39 pm from me to student: Here you go: I hope you have the Locke reading for this (we went over it in class). Also, as the syllabus states, late papers get docked 1/3 a grade per business day.

@ 6:49 pm from student to me: thanks and since it was the weekend and not business days i am good right, c'mon just look the other just this once

WTH.

I don't get it. He would never ever, ask his professor to "look the other way" and essentially disregard the established-since-the-first-day-of-school policy for late assignments. Not to mention the breach in academic integrity. NOT TO MENTION the overall informality which I find revolting. Why are you swearing in an email to me? I'm still your instructor! Stop thinking you are the exception. And that second email to me asking for the prompt, I was almost tempted not to send it because a) he should have had it already and b) he was making HIS emergency MY emergency in such a manner as to tick me off in the worse possible way.

This is the same student who, during a mandatory visit to my office hour, asked me my age. When I asked him why it matters--and if it was because he didn't trust in my abilities as an instructor--he said that it didn't, but proceeded to say "it's just that you look 22." [:D] And that comment only increased my suspicions that his overall behavior--he doesn't take my class seriously--stems from the fact that he sees me as a peer rather than an instructor who ultimately has control of a good portion of his grade. It's a mistake that I know already will prove to be his undoing in a class like this.

And okay, I'll cut those customers at the boba place some slack because he just might not have seen me standing there by the counter. Instead of being a sexist/ageist, I'll just call him an selfish, inconsiderate man with a false sense of entitlement. The other two cases, I think, don't merit any other consideration.

But then again, is it me? Is it something about me that makes people either not take me seriously or, even worse, not take notice of me at all?

it never ends!

so I'm supposed to be editing down my chapters for my thesis. But instead I keep writing more! Just when I think I'm done with a chapter... something happens and I find out I'm missing something and end up writing an extra 2 pages. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm the last person on this floor and my office is a mess and I'm so tired and !)*^!(%&!IP%I!)^%(!$^(!$*__((!*%^!%!@%@&#%(%!!!!!

rained on.

this memorial weekend oj and I decided to go up to san francisco. everything was nice (except for maybe the weather), the food was especially good, napa valley was funny, and the company couldn't be better. it all made for a very relaxing reward after such a rough semester.

the worst part of it, however, was coming home just to be yelled at for cleaning, or more specifically, not cleaning my room--what a way to completely ruin the weekend. It's as if my whole vacation was just an excuse for people to go into my room and go through my stuff. That's so damn annoying. I need a lock on my door or something. And she wonders why I never tell her anything. Now I'm just sitting in my room not willing to go out or talk to anyone. I came home with gifts and ready to talk about how my weekend went, and now my good mood is completely ruined. 

In this sense, I think me and the boy are similar. cross us once, and we are ready to hold grudges against you forever. there really is no point in trying. What freaking drives me crazy is that she thinks I have all this time to clean--when I really know that its just a metaphor. That I can't be too busy since I have time to spend with him. What crap. Yes I prioritize--who doesn't? but she doesn't understand that I have a million things going on--how could she possibly know what I have going on in my life when I don't tell her ANYTHING. She has no conception of what I'm doing and I'm not willing to let her in on the details of my life because, lets face it, there's no real point now and I swear as long as I keep a clean room, it wouldn't matter if I shot someone. 

anyway, it just makes me want to move out. and yet I know the reality of my situation. Well, hopefully by this time next year my prospects will look brighter.

but man, I hate it when someone rains on my parade.