Snowflake Melts in Your Eye

You'd think that with all the kpop I've been exposing on this blog that it was my first dive into fandom. No, no, my friend, not a long shot.

My gift to you this Holiday Season is this: Nsync's HOME for CHRISTMAS Album. Although Mariah Carey's Christmas album may have enjoyed more popularity, I think the quality of Nsync's album, on the whole, is more enjoyable--their acapella version of 'O Holy Night' is particularly lovely. The whole album been on constant repeat on my itunes ^_^

Enjoy & Happy Holidays!

Busy Busy Busy

remember what I said about when I am too happy I ignore my blog? well, you can only imagine how much fun I'm having if I haven't updated in like a week.

I promise a better post in a later time, but for now I just want ring in on something.

A lot of people have been talking to me, concerned, about whether going to South Korea right now is a good idea or not. I am really grateful for all the concern but I let me just say that it is a fallacy that is true of Westerners, and particularly of Americans, to think that the rest of the world is unsafe when really, me being & living in the USA is not any MORE safe than being any where else in the world.

I am not trying to belittle the conflict going on between the two Koreas in any way, nor am I blatantly trying to disregard my personal safety, but ultimately, if and when I get accepted to go to S. Korea... I'm going. period.

OH MY GTOP.

They really couldn't have waited until I got to Seoul to record this music video?!?! If you are confused about what I'm talking about, read below.

DOUBLE DOUBLE COMBO!!!

okay let's get back to the important things. I haven't expressed my love for Big Bang on this blog as much as I should have, so let me remedy that right now.

MY BOYS are BACK!

Well, two of them are.

^G-DRAGON

^TOP

This duo from my most favoritest of favorites, Big Bang, are releasing their new album titled "HIGH HIGH" and I for one, am giddy with excitement.

I know many of you will make faces at their very strange outfits and hairstyles. Yes, they look crazy ridiculous, but it's part of their appeal. I know that sounds so weird, but in a cookie cutter generic world of kpop, where everyone looks and sounds the same, G-Dragon & TOP forge their own path both musically and fashion wise. Plus, they're craazy talented and swaggerlicious.

Their performance at the recent MAMA awards (along with taeyang):


Yesterday they had the world premiere/ listening party for their HIGH HIGH album live streamed on youtube. OMG the wonders of technology. If this had been available when I loved NSYNC, then it would have been a completely different sort of stalking... I mean, well, whatever.
Anyway, they release teasers/previews of some of the songs off their new album, and now I will dispense a few of my favorites.

HIGH HIGH Tracks

INTRO - The best intro I've heard in kpop in like 2 years. This should have been made into a full song.

OH YEAR - This song features my favorite kpop voice, Park Bom, of 2NE1. She and G-Dragon & TOP have made songs before in the past and I love this throwback to their beginnings. Plus I think Bom's voice sounds so interesting contrasted with G-Dragon & especially TOP's raspy voice.

DONT GO HOME - I had heard bits of this song before and it remains one of my favorites on the album.

If you are curious, adventurous, or a glutton for punishment, you can check the rest of the teasers here.

Ooh, HARRY!

Jumped on a scale today for the first time in forever.

saw something horrific.

jumped off scale & cried a bit under my covers.

That's it. I need to re-vamp my health.

(and, fyi: "ooh, harry" is my friend's 2 year old son's way of saying : "ooh, SCARY.")

that is all.

Teaching Chops

There's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and I still don't really know the answer to this conundrum. I wonder if I've got the chops to make it as a teacher...or even if I should be teaching in the first place.

Let me get this out of the way first: this is not about me doubting if I'm smart enough. Like, please. Okay that sounded way too egotistical. What I meant was that I learned a long time about that standing in front of a classroom doesn't necessarily mean you are smarter than everyone else who is sitting down. Far from it, in some cases. But I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. If you don't know something fess up & turn it into a learning experience. Being in front of the classroom doesn't mean you have all the answers. That's not what teaching is supposed to be about.

The less ego you have in the classroom, the better.

Which is why I'm concerned.

Am I the only one cracking up at my lame jokes? Okay then, I'll stop.

The real reason why I'm concerned, is that I may not have a thick enough skin. The first semester I taught was kind of like HELL ON EARTH for me. I literally woke up in the morning dreading having to go to work. I would countdown the minutes until the end of the period...sometimes just letting them go early because I didn't want to have to deal with them anymore. I hated trying to plan things for class that I knew they wouldn't take seriously & by the end, I didn't care anymore either.

On a personal level, it was such a shock to see the sexism/ageism that happened. Fighting to get people to respect me and what I had to say was harder because I was younger & a girl. I as astounded to see that what I had to say meant less because it came out of my mouth.

And of course, I've always been one to take things personally. When students do poorly, I internalize it. When students dont do what I ask of them, I think its a reflection of me and my teaching skills. When students fail, I take it as my own personal failure.

I can't help it.

As I think about where my life is headed, I see teaching sort of on the horizon--whether it be here in the states or in korea. But teaching was never something that I imagined for myself. As me 3 years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago (omg I sound so old), what I wanted to do when I grew up, and teaching was never ever even a consideration.

And so I can't help but think, am I doing this because it makes the most sense? Instead of seizing an opportunity, am I just taking what's handed to me?

Because teachers, I feel, should want to teach. We've all had them. Teachers who should have never become teachers, but somehow are--and you can tell they hate teaching. Some will even own up to it. So how did they find themselves there?

I don't want to be one of those people.

Teaching is hard. It's not glamorous. It's rough. It's time consuming. It's taxing on your nerves, sanity, and emotions.

I also know its about developing a thick skin. By the second semester that I taught, I felt like I was more equipped to deal with students--its not that I was necessarily a better teacher, but that I maybe cared less, which sounds horrible. I cared less in the sense that I didn't let every little thing bother me. Because before I'd lose sleep over my students and my class. I'd stay up for hours, processing and agonizing every little thing that I had done wrong or had gone wrong. That second semester, I cared less. I had to, for my personal sanity.

And I can't also help but wonder, if it's so difficult for me now... how much worse in another country where I don't know the language?

On another note: apparently my documents all cleared in korea... I'm just waiting for my contract to be sent back to me. Any day now EPIK. any day now.

Also, I think I've made my new year's resolution for 2011-20112 (does that sound futuristic or anyone else? and by that I mean, we should be all flying our own spaceships & have our personal time machines?): learn korean. this resolution may extend for 2013 and beyond.

& note to self: get your butt back to learning korean. bc you marrying G-Dragon, TOP and Taeyang is not gonna happen with you only knowing english. kthxbai.

December Nights (& Days)

^All the things I'm enjoying about *WINTER* in San Diego. Tonight, I'm going to December Nights at one of my favorite places in SD: Balboa Park. Its a 2-day festival of lights and food--but there's also art, music, and general merriment to be had. Can not wait!

KPOP

hear me out. this post isn't going to be what you think.

I HATE KPOP.

You heard me right.

KPOP disgusts me.

KPOP offends me.

But I think I'm jumping the gun a bit. Let me back up a bit.

When I first got into kpop, it was through their dramas--they were fun, over the top, sometimes insanely tragic, but they were, for all intents and purposes, entertaining.

KPOP aims to please.

Then through a rather rapid process I started to like it's music--even though, and quite possibly in spite of the fact that I couldn't understand a lick of it. It started with 2NE1, then extended through Big Bang and the whole of their entertainment company, YG Entertainment. Like every blossoming relationship, everything was great in the beginning. I got see these groups sing and dance on their weekly music shows, I watched the shows they were in--subbed or not, I listened to their songs, I got to know their fandom. Everything was fun and entertaining and deceivingly innocent and lighthearted.

But then I got to know the dark side of kpop.

Kpop singers, whether in a group or otherwise, are dubbed "idols" and every group has its own official fanclub. These fanclubs wage war with each other on a daily basis. DBSK/JYJ have Cassiopeia, Super Junior has E.L.F. (wait for it... Ever Lasting Friends LMAO), 2PM has Hottests, Girl's Generation/SNSD has Sones, Wonder Girls has Wonderfuls, Big Bang has VIP, 2NE1 has Blackjacks... you get the picture.

And in these fanclubs... there's a whole lot of IDOL worship. Fans STAN their idols (stalker + fan) against other fanclubs, against criticisms, against everyone and everything. They protect their idols fiercely. They shower their idols with tons of love in the form of lavish gifts--spending absurd amounts of money on designer gifts for their idols and buying each and every piece of memorabilia. They will continue to STAN their idols as long as the idols keep them happy. So these idols dance with smiles on their faces, they play nice, they give all sorts of fanservice to the admiring masses.

Doesn't seem to bad, right? In fact, back in the 90s, when I loved NSYNC, I would do this very same thing--but fandom in the US is not like fandom in Korea.

Because what happens when these fanclubs turn against their idols? What happens when teens take stanning too far? what happens to a culture that is so absorbed in this idol worship? What happens when teens, young girls especially, want so badly to become an idol that they often tolerate heinous acts of rape and harassment, and endure hours of plastic surgery?

This is the dark side of kpop.

As much as these idols have their fans...many will have an equal number of anti-fans. These fans can and will be brutal.

When leader of boy group 2PM, Jaebum, or as you may know him now JAY PARK, broke the hearts of Hottests last year, antis (and many former fans) decided to issue a suicide petition that garnered thousands of signatures. That's right, people were petitioning for him to commit suicide. Like what the fuck.

Epik High's Tablo made a statement that he graduated from Stanford. Anti's got hold of this bit of information and would not let go. They created his anti-cafe "TajinYo" or "We Request the Truth from Tablo" and basically assaulted the musician urging him to confess that it was a lie: he didn't go to stanford. They dug up all this crap from stanford records, slandered his name, his WIFE's name and their NEWBORN baby. Tablo went on the record many times stating the truth, gave his transcripts, even freaking went to Stanford with a camera crew to verify the truth. Everyone was suing everyone. It went to COURT. How ridiculous is that. Finally, thank God, Tablo won out in the end.

Kpop is especially disturbing when it comes to women. Korea is known for its plastic surgery. Female idols go under the knife regularly. This creates unrealistic expectations of beauty...which in turn forces more and more women, and young girls, to under go plastic surgery. I feel like the most obvious example of this is the girl group SNSD. They are known for their faces and legs--and are often labeled as being "plastic" due to the amount of plastic surgery, real or imagined, they've had.


They're supposed to represent Asia's "Girl's Generation." right. because all girls look like that. but young girls buy into this perfection and try to emulate it: like this.

SNSD has lyrics that are SO OFFENSIVE to me as a woman. Their image is always about being cutesy and SUBMISSIVE. See the music video (subbed) "tell me your wish." I understand that the group's concept is dictated by their company, incidentally run by a male so go figure, and that they're catering to popularity. But I feel like they're catering more towards creepy men than to girls. And then the message they send to girls is damn harmful.

That's not to say that SNSD are the ONLY ones who do this. But they ARE one of the biggest groups in kpop and they are the worst transgressors. Although Orange Caramel, another group apparently wants to fight SNSD for that title:


That picture doesn't even do justice. These girls dress up in heinous outfits straight out of a halloween costume bag: Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland. Yes, OPPA, let me be your DOLL.


Girls who want to become famous in korea not only put themselves at risk during surgery, but they also tolerate sexual transgressions, often by their own entertainment companies. This often leads girls to depression, which then leads to suicide. Countless idols or famous actors are driven to suicide by fans, antis, or the pressure of the kpop industry.

Fans aren't above breaking the law to support their groups. Chinese fans of Super Junior stole Korean Social Security numbers just so their could vote in korean website polls. The disgusting part about this is that people were trying to JUSTIFY IT. That's kpop idol worship for you.

Oh and you know how the G20 Summit was held in South Korea... they used kpop idols to attract attention. There were all these G20 summit songs by idols, idols all in ceremonies...but what do these idols have to do with the summit? Like, why?

The thing about kpop, I would argue a part that makes kpop what it is, is that it takes itself SO SERIOUSLY. All the the things above are representative of that. Fans stan HARD. So much so, that they lose sight of bigger more important things going on around them. They lose touch with reality. It's the thing that pisses me off the most about kpop. Because it makes something light-hearted and entertaining in its most basic form, and transforms it into this disgusting thing.

And I personally hate all the anti-fans and cafes. These people who get to hide behind their computers but spam kpop idol's twitter accounts, their home pages, who get to comment on every article written... they don't realize the power they hold. They get to bitch and criticize, causing sometimes fatal results, and for what? they put in SO much time and effort hating... but why? just to be mean spirited? cant they put all that energy into something positive? where do they get the nerve? I dont understand it.

So I'm not embarrassed to say that I like kpop. I'm upset and horrified that I like it. Even my bias, YG/Big Bang/2ne1 has its share of fanaticism--even as they try to be more about the music (which is why I like them and not other groups/companies). I'm beginning to think I should be a fan of the group over kpop in general, because I'm so disenchanted with it.

Let me leave you with the example that will take the cake. I could have used this one example to show all things wrong with kpop: fan sends idol bloody fan letter sprinkled with pubic hair.

That's the bat. shit. crazy stuff that happens in kpop. And kpop wonders why it isnt more reputable.

Welcome December

What is with this year and me having to make all these grown up decisions about my life? First, it was the decision of what to do after I graduated (move to Philly to attend UPENN). Second it was the decision to quit UPenn & move back home. Third, it was the decision to throw caution to the wind and head to Korea to try and make it as a english teacher there. And now comes the wrench to foil all of my Korea plans-- the local community colleges are hiring in both HUMANITIES & HISTORY. Great. The thing that I'd hope would come to me AFTER I got back from Korea...happens to me before I get there.

So now I have to choose between Korea and my "career." Or, in another sense, I'm standing at the crossroads between being a slightly irresponsible 20something, and a full fledged grown up. Damn you 25 for being so in-between. Do I choose my one last hurrah--quite possibly the last time I'll ever have in my life to just pack up and go anywhere? or do I buckle down and do what's more stable for me in the long run?

Everyone keeps telling me that Korea can wait. That it'll always be there. But I disagree. Because once you're locked into a career--and the teaching positions are TENURE TRACK so I'd be locked in for the next few years--you can't just pick up at go. As you get older, it gets harder to do. That's why a lot of people don't go. They wait until they've made a little bit more money, they've been at their jobs just that much longer, until they've paid off the house, car, children's tuition. Before they know it, they've left that moment of carefree going for when they've retired.

I don't want that. I don't think I could stand the wait.

But at the same time, I can't ignore the fact that this opportunity is a rare thing. I've been watching out for something to open up for the past 2 years.

I'm just going to apply & see what happens. I will try & not just throw together some BS application. But I'm also terribly scared for the outcome. I'm half in agony.

Moon Represents My Heart

I am a WANDERER.

I forgot to post this up on this blog. My friend Sonya, via her platonic boyfriend, sent me a link & what I found therein was just uncanny. Here's an excerpt:

I am writing to you because I'm about to make a pretty drastic decision in my life. To me, it's not that big of a deal. Maybe because I'm dead set on doing it, I've got blinders on so I can't see the bad in my decision. Maybe it's because I love the thought of the unknown. But others seem to think I'm crazy.

I'm quitting my job and moving abroad to hopefully find a job teaching English in Europe.

Read: I AM A WANDERER, since you asked.

(would you look at that. two posts in two days!)

You know I Must Be Happy

...because I'm neglecting this blog.

It's true though. If you look at my archives, the months I have the most posts are because I'm miserable. So I just come here and rant shamelessly. But when I get happy, I ignore my blog.

I'm sorry, blog, you deserve better.

There's nothing especially happy to report, its just an overall feeling of happiness now that I'm at home. Little things I used to take for granted about living in San Diego, and in California in general, I'm trying to make up for--especially since we've been enjoying an extended summer. I think I hit more beaches in San Diego in the 3 weeks I've been back, in November mind you, than I have in the last 10 years of living here.

On a day spent in Coronado with the baby:

Panacotta Gelato. The only place in SD that I've ever seen it.

My days consist of sleeping in, cooking, maybe cleaning, sometimes learning Korean, hanging out with friends, occasionally tutoring, and oh right, a whole lot of shopping. So much shopping I'm sort of shocked and appalled with myself. But I had like no winter/cold weather items, so I NEEDED to shop. But here's a hint of a few of the things I picked up.







my biggest and happiest finds, I'll show in another post soon. maybe. If I'm not too busy like being happy or something. ^_^

OH, a small EPIK/Korea update. They have most of my documents in Korea as I type, and I just got my FBI Background check & copy of my Master's Degree in the mail yesterday--so that means I'm off to LA tomorrow to get things apostilled. Then hopefully it'll be smooth sailing.

Probably admitting more than I should

Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here.

Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt. Tag other book nerds. Tag me as well so I can see your responses!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien <---shouldnt this count as 3 books??
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible - Too Many Cooks
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert X
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
_

This was originally posted on facebook. But I'm too self-conscious of how much I haven't read to post this up on FB (the fact that I've read Bridget Jones' Diary but not Anna Karenina...). So feel free to judge me here. 19/100 is like, an F. lol

DONT WORK. BE HATED. LOVE SOMEONE.

Sorry for the neglect. Things have been surprisingly busy. I'll blog more about that later, but I did want to drop a little bit of something that I've been thinking about all day.

While talking with my friend Jazmine, she mentioned that last night, a group of friends were talking about if they could do school over again, what would they change. It's an interesting question, because if forces you to think back at all of those moments--those times in your past where you stood at a crossroads and were forced to make a decision, at the loss of others, with no one to hold your hand, and with nothing as a guide except your own heart and mind--and to see if you had made the "right" choice.

You think about what drove your decision--was it to be proper, was it financial, was it to please your parents, teachers? was it the decision that made the most sense at the time? or, oddly, was there never a decision, but just something that happened?--how did you end up today, however it is that you ended up?

The thing that I didn't say at the time, when my friend was saying how everyone from the previous night's group was saying how they would do this, would change that, is that I wouldn't have changed anything.

I'm not saying that to save face.

Because as crappy as it is to have a humanities degree, and a masters in the humanities, I would not have cared nearly as much about anything if I didn't go through what I did years ago. I would not have have been satisfied any other way. Even going to philly, I wouldn't change my decision to go if I had the choice.

As unsure, as scared, as clueless as I was 5 years ago when I stood at my own crossroads, not knowing anything about where my life would go and hardly trusting myself, I took a gamble with what seemed to be the most risky choice at that time.

Because getting a humanities degree, as opposed to something useful like a chemistry degree, is hardly safe.

I'm not going to go into further commentary, because we all have to make decisions based on a lot of factors. I'm not saying that I'm better off not having anything to regret, that I was somehow more true to myself, or that my life is somehow more complete. That's not it at all, because the simple fact of the matter was that I got lucky--I was lucky that I had the opportunity to take such a risk. I was lucky that I had the luxury to have the freedom to make decisions based on nothing but my own desire at that time.

But given that, I'm glad I was able to see the situation for what it was, and was able to trust in myself to know that if I had gone another path, I would have regrets. That I didn't cower from what was the hardest road to walk, the road that was most unfamiliar, the most taxing. And I was glad that once I made that decision, I stuck to it and didn't waver--especially now, when it seems all humanities is undergoing persecution.

I will end with something fun. It's a commencement speech. I love reading commencement speeches because they talk about life in the grandest terms. They are nostalgic, at times terribly romantic, hopeful, sometimes pensive. And, if done correctly, always give you pause.

Here's one by Adrian Tan, for the 2008 NTU convocation ceremony:

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

credit: knocksteady.com

It Hurts

Even if I didn't listen to Kpop, even if I didn't like 2ne1, even if I didn't love this song, I would LOVE this music video:



There are so many things to love. I'm a big fan of Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas" and "Corpse Bride" and this is right up that alley. Plus, Dara was perfect in the lead role. Everything, from the imagery, the acting, the styling, was excellent and just made me love the song that much more.

2ne1 "it hurts" :

You wear the shoes I gave you and walk along the streets with her
As if it were nothing, you kiss her
You spray the cologne I gave you and embrace her
You'll probably repeat those promises you made to me with her

It seems that we're already too late
Has our love already ended
Please at least say anything to me
We truly loved each other, can't turn back?

I'm the only one hurting tonight

Have you changed?
Am I no longer in your heart now?
When I, I think about you
It hurts, hurts, hurts so much

You look at my tears as if it were nothing
You continue to talk calmly again
You told me cruelly that you couldn't deny
That you had absolutely no attachments or regrets

Are we already too late? Is our love over?
Even if it's a lie, please tell me it isn't so
I can do better now, though we can't meet again

I'm the only one in pain tonight

Have you changed?
Am I no longer in your heart now?
When I, I think about you
It hurts, hurts, hurts so much

You're no longer your old self
Because the you I loved
And the you now are so different
Are you that shocked?
I just stood and cried
Watching you become further away
No way, I can't recognize
You're not mine anymore

Did you have to change?
Can't you come back?
Did you really have to change?
Can't you come back?

Did you have to change?
Can't you come back?
Why did you have to change?
Can't you keep loving me?

Oh, is this the end?
Am I no longer in your heart now?
When I, I think about you
It hurts, hurts, hurts so much

It hurts, it hurts
It hurts, it hurts

Prodigal Daughter

I meant to write this post earlier, and had actually drafted a version while I was still living in Philadelphia, and then another while I was sitting in the airport in Austin, Texas, but I never quite had the chance or the inclination to come up with something to actually blog. I suppose though, that its better I do it now that I'm back in San Diego and I can confirm or deny the thoughts I had prior to moving back and in the midst of moving back.

okay enough rambling. Because I'm lazy, this is what I had written in Texas, mid-move:

At the moment I’m sitting in an airport in flat lands of Texas, after the most vomit inducing landing ever. The whole 30 minute descent was like being on a ship at sea tossed about in a storm. I suppose it didn’t help much that I was being a freak and staring and focusing weirdly that the sights out of my little window. FYI, I like window seats because I fall asleep on every flight, and I like to be able to lean against something. Living in San Diego, I’m used the rolling hills, the coastline, the suburbs and the city. Sometimes I forget that there’s something between idyllic seascape and busy urban city skyline. Like, for instance, here in, Texas, where the topography is flat for miles around. Suburban streets and surrounded by plots of land, fields, and then more suburban blocks of residential housing. I can’t get over how flat it is out here. No mountains, no huge skyscrapers to cut into the sky, no hills, nothing. Everything is on the same visual plane. I know I shouldn’t be as amazed by that as I am, but there it is nonetheless.

Oh, but I suppose this post was supposed to be about Philadelphia.

I’m not gonna lie, I did feel a bit sad about leaving the city where I experienced such grief—for the very reason that it was the city where I first experienced the trials of being an adult. Being out on my own, in the biggest sea I’ve ever known, far away from everything comforting and comfortable in my life, forced me to struggle and fight for things that I hadn’t ever before. And there were definitely times where it felt overwhelming.

And as much as I disliked certain elements of living in Philadelphia, the thing that I appreciated the most were the friends that I had made there. To be honest, when I first got there and in the program, I had serious reservations about the kind of people who would be there. Maybe my cynical outlook is the reason why I was so pleasantly surprised to find a few people who I don't mind calling friends.

They are what I will miss the most about Philadelphia.

Looking back, I don't regret anything. As I watched these friends continue to fight through their classes, through the struggles that make up what it's like to be an academic, but also to reap the rewards and benefits that inevitably come from such a fight, I won't lie and say that I didn't feel pangs to sadness. Because they will get to experience and accomplish things that I have only ever dreamt about.

But even still, I don't regret anything: not my decision to come out to philadelphia nor my decision to leave it. I had to go out there in order to figure out what I wanted. Because if I hadn't, it would have always been a "what if" in my mind--it would have been something I would have regretted for the rest of my life.

As it is now, I don't have any regrets. Or at least, not on that account haha.

And now that I'm back in SD, a few reflections.

I absolutely love flying into San Diego. The plane sweeps across the city, so on one side of the plane the view is balboa park and on the other side, downtown and the pacific ocean. My favorite time to land is dusk. Because the low setting sun paints everything in that golden glow you come to expect from San Diego, or California in general.

Even though it was hot that day, it wasn't the stifling humidity of the East coast. And it was such a perfect day to come home. Tiffany picked me up and we did the thing that is a MUST when coming back to SD: we got mexican food haha. Picked up burritos and headed to the most perfect strip of beach in SD: torrey pines <3

I'm still trying to adjust, I suppose. It's a feeling akin to the one you get when you return to your childhood home or elementary school--things are the same, but not quite. Oh, you know who could put this feeling into terms far better than I could ever do? Holden.

(here he's talking about revisiting a museum he frequented as a child):

The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move. You could go there a hundred thousand times, and that Eskimo would still be just finished catching those two fish, the birds would still be on their way south, the deers would still be drinking out of that water hole, with their pretty antlers and their pretty, skinny legs, and that squaw with the naked bosom would still be waving that same blanket. Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would by you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldn't be that, exactly. You'd just be different, that's all. You'd have an overcoat on this time. Or the kid that was your partner in line the last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new partner. Or you'd have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Aigletinger. Or you'd heard your mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom. Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way--I can't explain what I mean. And even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it.

(wow. I actually pulled my copy off the shelf to search for that quote, and just thumbing through the pages and skimming through passages reminded me just how excellent that book is and why it remains one of my favorites. Catcher and Holden, along with P&P and Darcy, was one of the first books I felt like I had a relationship with. They came to me at the moment in my life where I was yearning to read something that could affect me. I remember being just hungry for something to read.

That image of the puddles with gasoline rainbows I remember vividly & still remains with me to this day).

The one fabulous thing about coming home is that the relationships I have with people didn't seem to suffer at all. Its just like picking up right after where we left off and for that I remain extremely grateful.

And now I think I need to spend time with Holden, he's a dear friend I haven't visited with in quite some time:)

daydream delusion

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel
I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Lodged in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

From one of my favorite movies. If you know what that is, kudos to you! If you don't watch Before Sunrise and then its sequel--quite possibly the only sequel in the history of cinema that is better than the original-- Before Sunset. Makes you believe in everything about love, or at least, makes you want to believe in everything about love, destiny, soulmates, fate, the whole bit.

wants

zara ash grey woollen studio cape

steve madden caryassa pumps in blush suede

bomber jacket

urban outfitters we who see tall fringe rodeo boots

Winfield x New Era Nice To Meet You hat

dude, like that's so EPIK

alright now that the dust has settled a bit, I can manage to talk about the EPIK interview I had yesterday.

It was scheduled for 8:30pm (9:30 am Korean Standard Time), which was like a double-edged sword because it gave me a lot of time to prep, but then it also gave me a lot of time to worry. The whole day I was a jumble of nerves. I tried to do a lot of things to distract myself. But as the time got closer to the hour, I thought I might just collapse into a pile of nerves and tears, I was that nervous.

I was lucky in that my recruiters sent out a list of questions frequently asked during the interview, so I had some time to prepare my answers. About an hour before the interview, I locked myself in my room, spread out all my application information, thought about potential questions they would ask me, prepped some answers, drank some hot tea, ate a pumpkin brownie (soo yummy), charged my phone, and prayed like mad. All of that, plus I found time to freak out on twitter and run to the bathroom 5 mins before the interview...you know, just in case.

I was supposed to get the call @ 8:30pm. But when 8:35 rolled around and still no call, I began to panic, and by that I mean, even more so. I kept staring at my phone, willing it to ring, then I kept playing with it, checking its connection and whatnot. What if they are trying to call me right now and they can't get a signal? They had recommended that I use a landline for the interview and not a cellphone, but who has a landline these days anymore? What if I had written down the wrong phone number? What if..what if..what if. Needless to say, I was in agonyyy.

FINALLY, at 8:42, I get the phone call. I answered it almost immediately, not even giving myself the chance to lose my nerve.

My interviewer was this really nice, well spoken lady. Maybe it was her voice, kind of soft and gentle, or maybe it was the way she spoke, but she really put me at ease. She verified a lot of things on my application, asked me a ton of hypothetical questions--some of which I think I answered better than others. But I think it went well. She kept saying things like "oh, good answer" or "you've had teaching experience before so you have good answers" or something like that. I don't want to flatter myself though, because who knows, she could say that to everyone she interviews.

There were some parts I think I made her laugh haha. Or, maybe she laughed out of politeness because I was so awkward and sometimes would chuckle or crack jokes (omg whhyy). There was one point she asked me if I have eaten korean food (I don't think this was part of the list of questions she had in front of her, I think she was just curious haha). BUT it was the best question ever because helloooo, I eat korean food like every week. So we had a nice conversation about korean food for a few minutes. It was great!

Another kind of humorous thing happened when she asked me about my TEFL certification. My application said "in progress," which was true because when I submitted my application (maybe 2 weeks ago), at that time I was in progress of the course, or at least like, registering. I had to clarify that I just finished the course and passed my test and everything. And she asked, "how long ago did you begin the course?" and I was like "oh eff." I knew I couldn't have told her the truth (basically last week) because it's, again, supposed to be a 100 hour program. So I had to LIE and say that I did it in 3 weeks. Whether she was impressed or skeptical, I couldn't tell, because she said "oh, wow, you did 100 hours in 3 weeks?" I had to laugh nervously and say that it was because I wasn't studying or working at the moment so it gave me a lot of free time. That, she bought, thank goodness! I wonder what she would have said if I told her I completed it in 5 days. I'm still pretty proud of myself for that, actually.

100 hours/5 days, passing score. awesome :)

There was one thing that was slightly problematic, or maybe not, I have to figure it out still. It didn't have anything to do with the interview per se, but she didn't know I was applying to teach in Seoul--she was supposed to have my 2 applications and ask me questions explicitly about teaching in Seoul. But she was surprised when I brought it up & she asked me nothing about my second application. I don't know what this means yet. I don't know if she just didn't have it, if this means they'll have to re-interview me for Seoul, if this means I'll only get placed outside of Seoul... I have no idea. I've emailed my recruiters and hopefully they can clear it up for me.

Anyway, I'll find out if I passed the interview process within the next 2-3 business days. God willing, if I pass, I should be able to send off all my documents to Korea, hurray! BUT I really need to get back to CA. I need to get stuff signed off in both SD & LA--I was almost tempted to change my flight so I could get back this Sunday instead of on Thursday. But flights are more expensive now, plus the charge for rescheduling, plus I already booked seats to head to New York on tuesday. I suppose a few more days waiting couldn't hurt.

On another note, I woke up this morning super congested. I think I'm getting sick :(

new layout!

I didn't know blogger had all this stuff for your background/layout. awesome. I had fun & I hope you all like the picture I chose. I know some girls will get a laugh out of it. haha

ALSO MY EPIK INTERVIEW IS TODAY OMGGGGGGGG. Please please please let it go well!

Parisian Getaway

(visit philly)

The other day, I was bustling around center city, when I decided to treat myself to a fabulous bistro lunch at one of the cafes lining Rittenhouse Square. I had read that these little french cafes offered some of the best outdoor dining Philadelphia had to offer, so I decided that I owed it to myself to at least try it.

I selected Parc, mostly because it was the one I had heard the most about, and in very true French style, it had outdoor seating in the form of those little tables and chairs lining the sidewalks. Inside, it was all open, dark wood, mosaic floors, art deco lighting fixtures, complete with some french music playing in the background. It aspires to be as French as any French cafe, and to be honest, it doesn't fail in that aspect.

(jaunted)

It was a fairly nice, crisp, autum day, I decided to sit outside so I could watch the happenings in the park. By the way, Rittenhouse Square, along with the Museum District, and the Schuykill River bank, is one of my favorite places in Philadelphia. A square park, right in the middle of Center City, with lots of trees, open space, and benches. It's a nice place to just spend a few hours. Just because.

Anyway, Parc.

Service: Really good. My server, Benjamin, was really knowledgeable about the whole menu, plus wine pairings. He was polite and well spoken, and his voice was just perfect for customer service. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean by this, but just trust me on it. The only thing I would say is that, at the beginning of the meal service at least, he was a bit too attentive. Like, I couldn't even read over the menu thoroughly before he came up asking for my water preference--tap or bottle?--before returning, I swear not even a minute later, to ask if I was ready to order.

Because of that, uh, not exactly pushiness--because I know that if I had asked for another minute or two, he would have given it to me--but pressure maybe? yeah, we'll say that because of the pressure I was feeling, I just went ahead and asked him for recommendations for both food and wine.

I ended up getting a warm shrimp salad and a glass of Sauvingon Blanc.

Before my food came out, a bread basket was presented. There was far too much bread for me to eat: a good half loaf of baguette, 2 slices of cranberry walnut bread, and 2 slices of something else I can't remember, but I know they were going to variety. I'm not a big bread basket eater, but I did partake of the cranberry walnut with some butter. Good, nothing new, but good.

Warm Shrimp Salad: absolutely lovely. Just thinking about this salad makes me sigh in contentment. It was 4 large shrimp poached in a lemon beurre blanc, served with mixed greens dressed in a lemon vinaigrette, with an avocado fan, rehydrated sun-dried tomatoes, and the biggest, most delicious shaving of parmesan cheese.

It was like heaven on a plate. It made me full, but not overly so, and happily so because I wasn't stuffing my face with the usual out-of-a-box delicacy. Why can't I eat things as simple, as fresh, as delicious as this one salad, everyday?

& the Sauvingnon Blanc was a nice complement to the salad. dry and crisp and smooth.

Ah, and then there was dessert. Confession: I didn't have dessert at lunch, but came back later, that very day, to have dessert with my roommate since it was her birthday. I had been eyeing the dessert menu at lunch, but didn't have a reason to justify the sweet so I passed. But since I was with my roommate, at it was her birthday, it gave me the excuse needed to indulge :)

I decided to go with the Pain d'epice. It was this little spice cake served with maple-brown sugar ice cream and candied pecans. It was a nice little dessert that wasn't too sweet. It was particularly nice that night because it feels very much like it's a fall/winter kind of dessert. It's warm and nutty in the way that only things in autumn can be warm and nutty.

And, as if that wasn't enough, I actually had a Cafe Vietnamese to go along with it, served hot. I normally don't give into the temptation of vietnamese coffee, and almost never order it, but I guess that night I really was feeling indulgent. Or maybe it was because it was chilly? Ah, excuses. Anyway, this is a dessert in itself: a good layer of condensed milk, another layer of hot coffee, a layer of foam/steamed milk. Comes with a spoon to stir. And, surprisingly, it came with a little lemon glazed cookie. There's nothing wrong about Vietnamese coffee. Nothing.

Sorry that there wasn't any personal pictures--at lunch my table was half in the shade, half in the sun, and it made for a poor picture on my craptastic camera on my phone.

Parc Restaurant, Bistro & Cafe
227 S. 18th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103
http://www.parc-restaurant.com