Friday, April 25, 2008

Baudelaire <3

"And I go to bed proud to have lived and to have suffered in some one besides myself.
Perhaps you will say 'Are you sure that your story is the real one?' But what does it matter what reality is outside myself, so long as it has helped me to live, to feel that I am, and what I am?"
--Baudelaire

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Happiness is __________________________.

For many people, happiness is money, family, friends, fame, love, laughs, moments, the stuff of life.

I, unfortunately, am one of those people who never know they are happy until they are made to be unhappy. so for me, happiness comes in waves of not being unhappy. which is, in itself, pitiful.

I'm in the process of re-evaluating my life because its gotten to the point where its far to complicated for my liking. Its exhausting. so I've gotta look at my wants, needs, goals and that which I can do without. school? oh so necessary. work? ehh I need a job but my place of employment is up for change. family? I'm stuck with them. friends? as cliche as it sounds, they've stuck with me through everything. before I was anything, they were there, so they stay.
the bf? now this is where it gets complicated. its odd though, that I should be thinking this because this is the one part that I thought I would be so sure of, and would never have to reconsider. and so that brings us to the question of why, out of all those aspects, would I even consider ending this relationship? perhaps the easiest answer, and by far the simplest, is that, honestly, I've lived 22 years on my own (with family and friends of course) and have done just fine. I've not done too bad for what I've been able to accomplish on my own, and without this relationship, everything is manageable for me. and theres still so much more I want to do but I can never get a grasp on my life. do you think I really would have done half as much as I have if I were caught up in relationships? but the key to al that argumentation is that that was how I was and how my life was before. Before the summer, and before this love, and before this hope. would it even be possible for me to just go back to what I was before and still be as content as I once was? And why is my answer to just run and jump ship? Why can't I stick around to make it work, if only because there's not another option? And am I just finding excuses because its hard and I dont know what to do with myself? And why can't I say this to his face? Why can't love be enough? Because the issue at hand is not whether or not I love him.
it comes down to timing, and I wont let him wait for me. Its not fair to either or us.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I'm feeling all sorts of inadequacy, incompetency and depression. and I feel it consuming me.

Save the Honey Bees!

I like to read cooking magazines. they give me recipes to try out with full colored pictures so I know what the end result is supposed to be. anyway, did you know that HONEY BEES are in danger of becoming endanger??

In 24 states throughout the country, beekeepers have gone through similar shocks as their bees have been disappearing inexplicably at an alarming rate, threatening not only their livelihoods but also the production of numerous crops, including California almonds, one of the nation’s most profitable. - from the new york times.

how much does one bee make in its lifetime? 1/12 of a teaspoon. and while no on knows for sure what is causing the bees to drop like flies, theres research going on and you can help!

Haagen-Dazs loves Honey Bees--and they have a new flavor, Vanilla Honey Bee Ice Cream and proceeds go to helping the honey bees. Saving the world by eating ice cream, that I can do haha.

speaking of which, on May 13 they are sampling out the ice cream at the Haagen Dazs in La Jolla from 4-8pm!! =D so go get yours.

1 in the morning

and I'm just waking up from a 4 hour nappy nap. It was supposed to only be an hour and a half nap--I even set 2 alarms!!! But being me, I just kept snoozing until I finally turned them off and went back to sleep hahaha. The funniest thing was that I kept waking up to try and study, but then in my dreams I was studying, which meant that I just went to sleep because I thought I was studying. my body has learned to deceive me. but why shouldn't it? I've been deceived by far worse.

I got my state tax return today (yay $3!) as well as my "paycheck" from the jury duty I served. I love getting money when its unexpected or when you think you haven't deserved it. Like finding money in your pocket after you washed your jeans. Or randomly finding money on the floor. Its happened to me twice where I've found $5 on the floor haha. It was weird because it happened in one week--one week where money was just falling out of the sky for me haha. Too bad it hasn't happened since =(

well, my paycheck was $114 including gas money for all the inconvenience of going downtown for a week on the trolleys where I had to sit next to scary/smelly/crazy people, and sometimes had to jump off the trolley because I didnt actually pay for tickets and some guy was actually checking for tickets. But then the ticket machines dont take credit cards so what's a girl to do? Anyway, every single dollar of my $117 is being put away for san fran. I need to start saving up! but then I'm just getting by right now and I probably wont pick up any more hours until the trip, so maybe i need to rethink this whole thing because I wont actually have money to pay it haha.

well my tea has cooled down some, and after snacking on some cookies, I think I'm ready to get back to some real studying. tomorrows a loooong day, and it begins now.

Monday, April 21, 2008

today is the same as yesterday...

I just found out I owe $24 in library fines. eek. and thats only my school library. I also owe a hefty amount at the public library. double eek. I really wish I were better about returning books. I could save so much money that way... sigh.

I'm in the library waiting for my class to begin @ 11. Its a relatively quiet week for me, but I know its the quiet before the storm. big test tomorrow to study for. But all I want to do is start planning the san francisco trip, but someone is being incredibly unhelpful. this is one situation where being passive and indecisive does not help. oy vey. that reminds me, I gotta request time off!

I got a message from matthew late last night (which means some time in the day in France?) and I was hit with a big wave of saddness. Being so far apart is not something that I'm unused to with matthew or sonya, but its more extreme in this case. I can't even pick up the phone to call them. and random emails and messages through facebook aren't quite the same, and it makes me feel so sad that I'm missing out on so much of their lives (Sadaf too since I never see her!). it makes it harder when you hear that things arent going so well on that side of the world either. sonya gets back in august (and bringing with her a new love!) and I think matthew somewhere around that time as well, which is exciting. And even though August is still 3+months away, we've already gone through 7 months so the next 12ish weeks should breeze by quickly. I hope so anyway. I miss random trips to borders and sitting in the travel section talking about nothing at all. Or heading out to the beach just because its beautiful out. And having tea. And doing all those things where we took advantage of our time together and the wonderfulness of living in san diego. I miss those times and cant wait to have them again!

but until then, back to studying.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

something new.

a new blog. and although I love posting on group blogs, this time its just for me. I'm not really sure why I decided to start this because even as I type these few sentences I'm already thinking about time being taken from all the stuff I have to do. call me a slacker. Its getting to be the last few weeks of the semester and I'll be busier than usual...I really need to buckle down and focus. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. Work is work but then theres school which takes up a lot of time not to mention the fact that I'm supposed to spend time at home, with the girls, with sadaf and then theres the bf. I can't give quality time to any of them really, but trying to give time to them all is hard to do. and it doesnt help when everywhere I go I keep getting guilt trips about me not being around. well, I'm trying. and nobody seems to understand how hard it is on me. all school is not the same and the work thats demanded of me is hard enough without feeling guilty all the time. but I know I shouldnt complain because I knew it would be like this, especially since I want to be done in next may. only. one. year. left. damn it.

I'm so looking forward to summer. no summer school, and a much needed vacation. trips to san francisco and seattle too! I'm way excited. but knowing me, I'll start to go a little crazy with all the free time hahaha. as much as I complain about having so much to do and not any time to do it in, once I get too much free time I feel the need to be busy haha. so I'm hoping to intern this summer. I hope hope hope against hope that I'll get somewhere good that I can continue for the fall so I can quit my job and focus on something I can do after I graduate.

and I guess that's all I have for now.

oh, except, happy 6.