rained on.

this memorial weekend oj and I decided to go up to san francisco. everything was nice (except for maybe the weather), the food was especially good, napa valley was funny, and the company couldn't be better. it all made for a very relaxing reward after such a rough semester.

the worst part of it, however, was coming home just to be yelled at for cleaning, or more specifically, not cleaning my room--what a way to completely ruin the weekend. It's as if my whole vacation was just an excuse for people to go into my room and go through my stuff. That's so damn annoying. I need a lock on my door or something. And she wonders why I never tell her anything. Now I'm just sitting in my room not willing to go out or talk to anyone. I came home with gifts and ready to talk about how my weekend went, and now my good mood is completely ruined. 

In this sense, I think me and the boy are similar. cross us once, and we are ready to hold grudges against you forever. there really is no point in trying. What freaking drives me crazy is that she thinks I have all this time to clean--when I really know that its just a metaphor. That I can't be too busy since I have time to spend with him. What crap. Yes I prioritize--who doesn't? but she doesn't understand that I have a million things going on--how could she possibly know what I have going on in my life when I don't tell her ANYTHING. She has no conception of what I'm doing and I'm not willing to let her in on the details of my life because, lets face it, there's no real point now and I swear as long as I keep a clean room, it wouldn't matter if I shot someone. 

anyway, it just makes me want to move out. and yet I know the reality of my situation. Well, hopefully by this time next year my prospects will look brighter.

but man, I hate it when someone rains on my parade.

COGITO ERGO SUM?

Last night was my last class for my magic course and for as much work as it has been, I really enjoyed the class and the teacher and the people. We sat around for most of the class discussing the possibilites of our futures and what it means to be not only a scholar, but a historian. Granted, I don't really consider myself a historian but then neither do I consider myself a classicist but rather somewhere in between. Anyway, we had a really good discussion because our prof basically told us everything we needed to know about the "business" of being a scholar, the good and the bad, and realistic expectations we should all know going forward in our education. Pretty much all of us want to get our PhDs, and we all had our worries and questions. Where I fit in this equation is somewhere on the fence. I say that only because while I would like to get my doctorate, I know what I look like on paper and thats not very promising. Plus, a lot of the time I feel out of my league when parlaying with actual graduate students. Not to mention that I hate schmoozing--but I suppose I can never get away from it. networking is such a bastard. 

So that leaves me...guarded, I suppose. And by that I mean that I am proceeding in a certain direction, but I'm absolutely leaving myself open for LIFE. And just because I dont want to vocally commit to something does not mean that I'm wishy-washy either. I just dont like to be disappointed. 

The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face...

that song is on repeat on my itunes right now. I love it and Leona Lewis has such a good voice. I dang near cried when I first heard it! I got her CD today and its probably my fav.

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies.

and the first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hands
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love.

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last and last and last till the end of time

The first time ever I saw your face....

*sigh* deep. I wish that were true for me and/or I could feel like that for someone. or someone would feel like that for me?ehhhh. haha.

After yesterday's great dinner I made, I thought I would start the day with some fresh banana bread. But it didnt work out so well. I swear I want to be a baker, but all of my cuisine turns always turn out better than my desserts. I have to bake some red velvets for tuesday night class, so hopefully I wont get a repeat of todays disaster!

this summer

While I'm only on page 8 of writing a 25 page paper, I am dreaming of this summer...

things to do include:

-san francisco trip
-seattle trip
-internship
-tea time
-hash house
-gelato nella picola italia
-tapas a la costa brava
-del mar faire

I was at panera and the internet was down so there was NO ONE there. I managed to get some writing done but got bored so I left. Then I find out that all 3 printers in the house are out of ink. such a bad day for computer gadgetry. I did, however, manage to complete all forms for the internship application today. I'll print everything out tomorrow so I can mail it off monday. after that, its the waiting game and finding out how much God still likes me.

what else happened today? oh I made really good fried rice!! I was very proud of it =D

also, I found out today that one of my friends is freaking touring around Asia. sooo lucky. I can't wait to be done and out in the world! 2 weeks left. 3 monster papers left. living room/pannakin all week.