Conquering Korean! #2

So after reviewing the things I learned last night... "hello, excuse me, yes, no, thank you, thank you, how much is ___? this, that, give me, water, more, that's alright, and I'm sorry"

I gave in and decided if my flash cards were going to mean anything, then I would need to learn the alphabet. You can't swim before you sink, right?

It's a slow going process, but, and I thought this was interesting, the consonant that is giving me the most trouble is riul-- the "r/l" consonant. Yes, that very one which we in the English-speaking parts of the world, say that speakers of Asian languages always get confused (i.e. they confuse "l" sounds with "r" sounds).

But riul isn't truly an "r" sound, nor truly an "l" sound...it's somewhere in between. But that's a middle ground, a gray area, that isn't wholly present in the English alphabet, and thus, I find myself having difficult pronouncing it ^.^ I want it to be either a "l" sound or a "r" sound.. which, I know, is projecting my own language aesthetics onto a foreign language, something that I need to rid myself of quickly if I want this to be meaningful.

Lastly, I find that I have to make some corrections in the way that I say certain words, "hello" and "thank you" in particular. I picked up these words purely from auditory perception--through kdramas-- and now I find that I say a vowel incorrectly. I know that if I say if fast enough, or mumble it quietly enough, that the difference isn't readily noticeable (because anyone fluent in a language slurs together vowels and consonants anyway) but it still irks me. So I find myself being especially careful with these words, which of course, makes me sound like an amateur >.<

But I'm enjoying it so far. And I can't help giggle occasionally from the knowledge that I'm actually learning this. Or at least, attempting to learn it! :)

Conquering Korean!

So, since I have all this free time, I'm teaching myself korean.

I know that if I want to make it in Korea, I'll need to learn how to read hangul.

Thus far, I've made flash cards.

But I'm far more interested in speaking Korean. Bc, really, isn't that the goal of learning any language? To communicate with people? To be able to communicate one's own thoughts?

So I started an online course and I'm really really excited. Surprisingly, I know more korean than I thought---thank you kdramas! at least, for the first chapter haha. I have basic words down, and I'm excited to learn new things!

new word: sillyehamnida<--romanized because I can't do hangul. It means, "excuse me."

break up

It's official, I am an ivy league drop out.

Well, in the way that a post-bacc to an ivy league can be supposed to be a drop out.

It was a difficult decision for me to make. I agonized over it for weeks, seeking advice from anyone, and everyone I knew--on both coasts. I called old professors on their cell phones @ 7AM their time because I was in the midst of a meltdown, my gmail threads to other professors run long, and I even called a professor's home on a weekend to talk about this monumental decision.

Because it felt monumental.

If I walked away now, a part of me, small and inconsequential, knew that I would be walking away from this road--this classics/ancient history/PhD road--forever. Yeah sure, I could defer for a year, but I know that it would only buy me some time to get used to the idea that I wouldn't be coming back. And how do you walk away from Penn? For all its pretentiousness, for all its glorification and belief that it is God's gift to mankind--yes, mankind--it is, and remains, a good, very good, school. Higher education is, in itself, a very rare gift. I'm lucky to have been able to attend college and graduate school, never mind studying at an Ivy League university. I was well aware that although this decision weighed upon me like bricks every waking moment of my life, that fact remains that the biggest worry in my life wasn't how to feed myself, how to clothe myself, how to provide shelter, it was making the decision of whether or not I wanted to go to school. That was the biggest worry in my life? I felt all the guilt of my pettiness, my selfishness, my luxury. How many people never get an opportunity to attend college, never get to step into a university classroom, never get to sit in on lectures. And here I was, preparing to just to walk away from it all.

Yes, I am spoiled.

I've felt my fair share of guilt about this too. How dare I turn down Penn? Just who did I think I was? I wasn't so smart, so special, as to say, No, Penn, to be frank, I just don't need you. Where did I get the audacity? It's something I'm still dealing with.

I know what many people will think, and despite it all, I will care about the opinions of others who don't know me. I'll return to San Diego, sooner than planned, tail tucked between my legs, and know that on some level, I've failed. People will say that I couldn't handle it, that I could only be a big fish in a small pond, but that I couldn't rise to the occasion when placed in an ocean of other big and bigger fish. I know this will happen, that people will think this of me. I know this because, as ashamed as I am to say, it would have been what I would have thought being put in that position.

But, and I know this will sound hard to believe, but it was never about how difficult the classes were--and trust me, they were difficult. It was always a matter of whether I wanted to be there in the first place. I'm not opposed to hard work. In fact, I often welcome challenges as a chance to improve myself, or something. But I have to have a reason--something, anything, that makes the effort worth it. And that was what I was struggling to find. I couldn't justify how hard I was working. The program that I was in was created especially for people who wanted to go on to get their PhDs. I knew from the beginning that I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to get my PhD, so why was I there? For the love of knowledge? Believe you me, that is not enough to justify the effort. At least, not anymore.

Because nothing, not the belief that you should be doing this, nor the knowledge that you could just buck up and do it, nor the fact that you know it would only be suffering for one year, nor the perverse obligation one has to the people who put their names on the line so that you could attend the school in the first place, nor the desire to prove something to yourself--none of those reasons will get you through the rigor of such a program.

You have to want it.

And I didn't.

More than that, I didn't want to wake up one morning, a year from now--five years from now--ten years from now, and feel like it was all a mistake. That I had done the post-bacc, had gotten my PhD, and done it all, but that I didn't ever want it.

That I did it because it was what I thought I should do.

It's very easy, especially in academia, to get caught up in this track. This one track of just plowing through classes, schools, degrees. You just keep going because it's what you do. If you define yourself as a student, well, going to school is what you are good at. But just because you are good at something, doesn't mean you want it. And I didn't want to wake up and think that I had never consciously made the decision to get a PhD--it just happened to me.

I didn't want to wake up and think that I did it because I didn't have any other choice, either. That I didn't have options, and so I did what made sense at the time.

I had to want it.

And I didn't.

Still, it didn't make the decision any easier. It felt like I was breaking up with someone. You know that it's something you have to do, that ultimately you'll be better off. But you still hem and haw over it, still drag your feet when the opportunity arises. I think it's because it's one of those things, one of the few things in life that seem so permanent, so irreversible. Once you say the words, and mean them, there really isn't turning back. And so you have to make sure, make absolutely sure, that it's what you want. And even that intellectual knowledge doesn't mean it won't hurt. Because relationships, when they come to an end, ought to hurt you. If they don't hurt you, well then that relationship wasn't that meaningful. I, unfortunately, have the unlucky (lucky, depending on how you see it) disposition where I only have meaningful relationships. And I could already tell, this one was going to hurt. Big time.

I was breaking up with the University of Pennsylvania.

The morning that it happened, I remember walking through campus, which is just gorgeous in its quiet awesomeness--the towering, old, brick buildings sitting so elegant and noble against the equally impressive walnut trees. I sat on a bench of a bay window that overlooked the quad, the very heart of the university, and observed the students passing by below me.

I was always so curious about the students here. Each has their own story, but I always wonder what it was that made them special, made them stand out, so that they could go here. Were they the products of private schools? The darlings of the prep schools? Were they legacy cases, the most recent progeny of some long family line who had always attended there? Were they international students? Athletes on scholarship? Or, were they really just that brilliant that not even the high cost of tuition prevented them from attending? I wondered about this even more, in the those few minutes outside the director's office. All of them had a story, and mine was about to be over.

And when it was over with, I felt relief. I did. But I also felt the very fibers of my existence.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I didn't have an identity.

I had defined myself as a student, an academic.

It was not only what I did, but who I was.

And now I didn't have it. I didn't have an identity. I was, and am, job-less and school-less in Philadelphia.

It's utterly terrifying.

I have to, somehow, figure out for what I exist. At the moment, I exist for nothing and for no one. I have no direction and no purpose. I exist, but for no reason.

I cry often these days. I don't feel my sadness until it gets triggered by something so mundane, so seemingly ordinary, and suddenly my eyes are wet with moisture, tears streaming down my face, and I'm biting my lips furiously in attempt not to show how much they quiver or, God forbid, I actually let out a sob. I can't ever predict when I'll burst into tears, which is quite unfortunate because it's often in public places, and I'm always left scrambling for my sunglasses, even when I'm indoors, to hide behind.

Luckily, these combustions don't last very long. I'm able to put myself back together before it gets really embarrassing. Usually.

I'm trying to remain positive. In my deepest despair, I try, everyday, to find something to laugh at, something to marvel at, something of beauty in my otherwise dismal existence.

I write, I read, I pray a lot these days. I wander quite often as well. I try to be outdoors as much as possible, and to be in nature when I am outdoors. My favorite place thus far is the riverbank of the Schuylkill. They've made these little grassy park right on the embankment, that's a small oasis in this concrete jungle. Sure, the water is murky and at times smelly, and the park faces the very industrial skyline of Philadelphia, but it is something.

This entry was more depressing than I had intended, but I look forward to updating with something more lively in the future.

9/11

I want

to marry this man.

please and thank you.

to to to to to anyone

CL, Dara, Minzy, Bom

So my all time favorite kpop girl group just released their new album today--after a year's hiatus--and I'm all kinds of excited!! I've posted about 2ne1 before, and I can't express how much I love these girls. They are fierce, talented, unapologetic, and just fabulous. Without further ado...


My personal Review of the new tracks (out of 4 stars):

1) Can't Nobody**3/4
Definitely a different sound. More autotune than I think was necessary--and no, I'm not someone who is bothered by autotune. The best thing about it is the chorus. It's a good song, not ground breaking, but a good song with a nice beat.

2) Go Away***
Love the upbeat R&B feel. Catchy, and fun. CL's kills it like always. Bom/Minzy are great as always. I was really happy with Dara in here also. I think it was one of the tracks on the album where you can really here her voice without autotune, which I appreciated. I think she sounds fine without the autotune, personally, so I always want to hear her without it. This song also has my favorite line of the whole album: "You always act the fool... you aint sh*t without your crew" lol.

3) Clap Your Hands***1/2
The beat reminds me a lot of TOP's "Turn It Up." It's the track that we want/expect from 2NE1. It is distinctively 2NE1 in sound. It's fierce. It's in your face. It doesn't mess around. It definitely let's you know 2NE1 is back and that they are serious. This song is what KPOP has been missing since the girls left.


4) I'm Busy***
I was not feeling the beginning of the song. There just seemed to me to be too many digital effects going on. But by the time I got to the chorus, I felt like I could deal. And by the end, I really thought it was well balanced between the upbeat/fast track, and the absolutely brilliant slow beats. Nice mix of the two. I enjoy the verses/bridge more than the chorus though. But CL's rap was SIIIIICK.

5) It Hurts****
When the teasers came out, this song was easily my favorite of the four. I played this more than any other song. And the full version did not disappoint. I think Bom's voice is really shines here, which I enjoyed because sometimes I think she doesn't always get the kind of songs that can show what she can do. Minzy's voice sounds so mature here and really suits the overall sound. The jazzy/R&B sound of this song is definitely something to just groove to. Love it.

6) Love is Ouch****
I was really surprised by this song and surprised by the girls with this song. I think it was chance for them to show a different side of themselves. We all know how fierce they are, but with song it showed a softer, more feminine side of them. They all sounded amazing. I love the slow/fast mix of Minzy/Bom's vocals combined with CL's rap and Dara's softness. It just has a refreshing sound that is very attractive. Been listening to this song the most.

11) I Don't Care Reggae***1/2
Confession time. 2NE1 was the group that got me into kpop--and their reggae version of "I Don't Care" on Inkigayo was THE performance that caught me hook, line, and sinker. Thus, I always have such a sense of affection for this version of IDC. The girls sound great, and I love how all of them are really able to display their voices. I just love swaying to this lol.

12) Can't Nobody (English)**1/2
I don't like the brand name dropping at the beginning. I think they could have done something else besides brand name dropping to demonstrate how "Bad Bad" they are. Was it laziness on behalf of the lyricist? Maybe. But you can be fierce and bad without label dropping, IMO. It seemed like such a waste of what could have been a fierce rap, which is why I'm so bothered by it. The rest of the song is fine though.


Overall: I applaud the girls for the risks they took with this album. They had a lot of pressure riding on them from their success in 2009 and with the delays, there was a lot riding on this album. I think they took a lot of chances. They didn't play it safe in order to have commercial success. I'm glad they played with different sounds and feels. Everyone was expecting something big and different from them, and I think they delivered. A lot of the songs grew on me. Multiple plays allowed me to get a better impression of their new sound. It's definitely an album that grows on you. You can take that however way you want. Maybe too much digital-ness than I would like, but overall I thought it was a strong effort by the girls. 8/10

Philly Photodump

the results of emptying out my memory card of my camera.