F-ing CA Budget!

Yesterday I received this email from the graduate advisor:

Dear Graduate Students,

If you have gone on-line today to look at the class schedule for the Fall
semester, you will have read this message:

As a result of the California budget crisis and resulting CSU and SDSU
budget reductions, the fall 2009 class schedule will be taken off-line
until the week of June 22 in order for departments and colleges to
re-evaluate their course offerings. As part of this process, all student
wish lists will be cleared. When the schedule is back online, you will need
to re-wish for your classes. You will receive an e-mail notification when
the fall class schedule is back online.

The History Department anticipated there would be additional cuts and
eliminated a number of courses before the posting of the Fall courses.  I
have been assured that the graduate courses (numbered 600 or higher) will
be remain, and, that because of  the department's foresight, it presently
will not sustain as many course cancellations as other departments.  Stay
tuned and recheck the schedule the week of June 22nd.

Now, while I'm not especially concerned with not being able to take any of myclasses for next fall--hurray for Independent Study--I am concerned with my TA position. As in, will I still have one come fall. If they decided to cut undergrad sections, or if they simply cannot afford to pay for so many grad students, I wonder what will become of me. Ahh California, if you weren't so gosh darn pretty, and if I could live anywhere else be here, I wouldn't be think twice of leaving you. On a serious note, I hope CA gets its act together. There are a lot of programs--healthcare, welfare--that are in serious danger and whose loss has high stakes for all of us. I don't even know if the "bailout" from the Federal gov't could even help at this point except to buy CA some time. We need to figure something out soon though.

I cant help wonder if I'm being selfish. I want to keep you close by, but I know that it's not exactly what you want. I don't know if it's fair to you, or even fair to myself. Is this preventing us from moving forward? Not necessarily forward and away, forward and apart---just, I can't look back anymore. I only have now and the future. So I don't know if what I'm doing is good for either of us. I can't say.

Reunion! Reunion!

Jimmy Fallon wants the cast of Saved by the Bell to reunite on his show. Mr. Belding is already on board. 

Sign the Petition. Make it happen--its 20 years! =)

It's like a whole new wound has opened up. There's a dulled piercing of my heart that I carry with me throughout the hours, those long and lonely hours. My heart breaks all over again, and I doubt I have the strength enough to hold myself together. I miss you.

5:00

I am exactly 12 hours away from when my last papers (my only papers) are due in my professors office. I can not wait to be done this semester. As it is, I have been working on these for the last week pretty much exclusively--I even took the whole week off! But as I down to my last 5 or so pages--but not including revision and formatting--I am all anticipation for 5:01 PM and the rest of my summer.

- Dinner plans include a girls night at (ye) Old(e) Spaghetti Factory in San Marcos @ 40% off =)

- Cleaning: My room and car are just disgusting. Like, I can barely stand to be here, but when you live in your room for 24 hrs a day for the past week, and live out of your car for the last 6 months, things tend to get ugly. EVERYTHING will get cleaned with a fervor that is so unlike me.

- Returning books: I have to turn in over 40 books tomorrow. I need something to carry these all in, or like, movers or something. Also, I'm deathly afraid of what my final library fine will be: as it stands I think I'm about $51 dollars in overdue fees.

- Summer reading: I have issues of InStyle, and 15 books that I've started and never finished that I need to get through. Plus, my yearly dose of some Bingley, Wentworth, and of course, Darcy.

- Seattle: I've wanted to visit here for so long, and I hope it stays rainy and gloomy and generally beautiful. I have enough sunshine here that I would like to experience different weather if I'm flying 1000 miles away.

- But most importantly, I will be able to sleep again come tomorrow evening. I can not wait.

hip hip hurray!

So proud of you banet!

Random Musings.

The start of the day has been one that has befuddled me. And its only 7:25AM!

+ Half of my breakfast fell into the garbage bin, the other half I burned, thus making the whole thing worthy of being thrown out.

+ The only gift cards that I haven't yet used from my birthday are the ones to stores where you can't shop online lol.

+ Related to the musing above, I just found out that only certain forever 21 gift cards can be used online. When purchasing online, you have to "scratch" off a silver strip to reveal a 4-digit pin underneath (think of those lottery scratchers), in order to use the gift card. I scratched my off, and it revealed a 8-digit pin. Uh, what? Yeah, 8 digits pins are cards you can't use online. But how would you even know that when purchasing a gift card for someone else? "Excuse me, I'd like to buy a gift card, but please, not one of those 8-digit ones." lol.

+I have 20ish pages to write for my second paper due Tuesday evening. It's definitely going to be down to the wire--except, apparently I'm not too worried about it since I'm taking the time out of studying to blog. 

+Today vanessa_bo_bessa is walking! I'm so unbelievably proud of her! =)

+Finally, I discovered Satie's Je Te Veux. It seriously makes me happy. It is so cute. Here is the version that is accompanied by vocals, but the piano version is what I listen to:

You say you just want me back. But what is it that I would go back to? What kind of life would that be? If you are just content to be with me, then I won't ever go back. Maybe when I was younger, and more naive, I thought it would be enough to just have someone who loved me. But that doesn't hold anything for me anymore. Sure, I don't want to be alone. But I also want more than that. I want you to want more than that.

I am not unaffected. 

Monday was nice. I am so glad that, despite everything, we could still have that. I wonder how you are--is it easier for you as the days go by? How are your plans coming along? This is not the end. That, at least, brings me some comfort.

I have to admit that it is not easy being strong. I often wonder, late at night when the day has worn down my defenses and I have not the strength to combat such dark thoughts, when I'm tired of feeling sad and when confusion muddles my mind, I often think, what is it all for? It's more than difficult to imagine that you exist in the world and love me, and I you, and yet, we're not together. And I wonder, and I wonder, what is it all for?

I sat down on a bench today to look at the pacific ocean, and there was a lady bug next to me. We both went about our business, but I like to think we enjoyed each other's company for those few moments.

Everyday

With every worthless word we get more far away

The distance between us makes it so hard to stay

But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe

It hurts but it may be the only way