if you let go I'll let go too

because I can't get enough...

and because I love the music in this



check it.

Let's talk about AWKWARD.

I realize that I'm a slightly awkward person. I also acknowledge my general distaste for personal contact/ eye contact with people, and that I have, perhaps, a strong sense of privacy. I am even guarded in the expression of personal/private matters. Some people call it reservation, others call it shyness, prudishness, weirdness, and even, false modesty based on egoism. I can't explain it, I won't make excuses for it, and I definitely don't see anything wrong with it--Let's just make that clear. If anything, the world needs a little more restraint. But I digress..

The reason why I'm bringing this up, is that this past weekend, I was surrounded by awkwardness. I attended an academic conference (shout out to the APA/AIA LOL), that while on paper seems to be very professional, it is also a festering mass of potentially awkward situations. I mean, think about it, professors from all around the country/world fly in for a 4-day free for all; yeah sure, in the day time they give/listen to presentations on their most recent research, but when the sun goes down (and often even before that!), debauchery is at hand. Inebriated academics, BOTH students and professors, linger around the hotel bars (oh yeah, this all takes place in hotel lobbies, ballrooms, and OTHER hotel rooms), talking shop and schmoozing. If you want to get anywhere as an up-and-coming somebody, you better down some liquid courage and rub elbows with the big boys (and girls).

Potentially awkward encounters + awkward me = SUPER excellent awkwardness to witness!!

And that's what it was my friends. First of all, let's start off my talking about the HANDSHAKE. From what I know, you are supposed to present yourself with a firm handshake... I guess it is supposed to exude confidence or something. But really, it becomes more of a test. A test of wills, so see who can break off someone's hand. Because really, who hasn't come across someone whose handshake literally made your hand numb afterwards? Like, calm down there Hulk. As a girl, I always get that I should have a firm handshake. As a person who doesn't like to be touched, the fact that I'm even making hand-to-hand contact with you should be enough, buddy, forget about it being a "firm" one. Oh! back to that other point, how do you even figure out what a "firm" handshake is? Applying the correct about of pressure has got to be one of the trickiest things. You don't want to be the aforementioned that guy.

Immediately after the handshake, or rather, accompanying the handshake, is the introduction. In my everyday life, I only, really, have one name: Michelle. And I introduce myself as such, "Hello, I'm Michelle." Easy. Straight-forward. Unpretensious. And I usually introduce myself with a **wave** rather than a handshake...even better!! In a professional setting, not only do I have to go with my full name, but I have to have some sort of qualifier that comes afterwards. But this always makes me uncomfortable and is awkward namely because I have nothing really to say for myself! In these professional settings, people use their full names to distinguish their professional work from all the rest of the "Johns" and the qualifier to separate themselves from all the other "John Smiths" of the world. I have neither work or reputation to distinguish me from anyone else. So it kinda comes across like this: "Hello, Michelle P******. San Diego State. Student of Beth *******." And that's it. I have nothing to my name, so I have to name drop!! It really is sad and quite pathetic. However, we both know that this person will forget our encounter, and my name. And we operate under that knowledge, refusing to be impolite about it.

Mind you, these introductions are all happening in that cluster fcuk of academic socializing, but it's just like being 13 and at a middle school dance. The point is the converse charmingly, win over your audience of brilliant professors who will, in turn, support all your academic endevours. I reality, is, that I make pathetic small talk, and sip on soda water, if I'm not already a wallflower watching all the popular boys and girls dance. Things really haven't changed too much from 13 to 24!

At Musing's End

Just saw this and fell in love just a bit...




check out wong fu productions for more shorts.

Across the Pond

to a new year.

And so I made a major decision. I had to make sure that next
year, I wouldn't end up shit-faced and listening to sad FM,
easy-listening for the over-thirties. I decided to take
control of my life, and start a diary... to tell the truth
about Bridget Jones...the whole truth. Resolution number one:
obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: always put last
night's panties in the laundrybasket. Equally important... will
find nice sensible boyfriend to go outwith...and not continue to
form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics,
workaholics, commitment-phobics... peeping toms, megalomaniacs,
emotional fuckwits, or perverts. And especially will not
fantasize...about a particular person who embodies all these
things.

love bridget. and just like her, I think a new year brings about new resolutions that may or may not, but probably most definitely, be broken. My resolutions? probably the same as last year and the year before that and the year before that. In the words of ms. jones, "obviously will lose twenty pounds." Or, better yet, just be more healthy. making better choices about what I eat and how I spend my time. Walking more places. Drinking more water. I wanted to start this right when I got back from my trip, but I'm actually really sick--not to mention jet lagged-- so I figure I should get healthy so I can actually get healthier. Number two: will be more productive in my happiness. That means spending less time wandering around the internet and watching youtube videos, and spending more time doing things that make me happy. Reading more, taking art classes, spending more time with friends and the people who make me happy. And, in the interest of trying NOT to break these resolutions, I think I'll end the list at number two. My resolutions don't sound to bad, eh? Be healthy and happy in 2010. There's some feel-goodness right there.

Here's to a happy 2010 =)

Merry Christmas

For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace. - Isaiah 9:6