running lists

Everyone has an ideal list of qualities. Some people might even have a deal breakers list. Those things that just kill any potential you see in another person as your potential plus one. these lists can range from the serious, to the irrational:

-smokers, druggies, gamblers, people with addictions in general
-racists, bigots, people who are close minded or prejudiced
-people with tatooes
-people with red hair
-people who are shorter than 5 ft 2 in... etc etc etc

we can even have a list of desired qualities:

-Mr. Darcy...end list.

whatever it is, we all have these sort of lists for desirable qualities in a potential.

I, for one, am all about these sort of lists. Or at least, I used to be. Because whatever list I managed to contrive in my head---of desirable qualities, or undesirable qualities---ultimately became irrelevant in the face of a real relationship with a real person. That is not to say, however, that I don't have standards, or that I've given up on these lists altogether. It's just that my idealism has been tempered a bit by the reality of the complexities inherent in a single person. Running lists, no matter how detailed, do an injustice to a person whose feelings, mannerisms, and ideas change constantly through growth and life experience.

Because whether or not that person meets every single quality on your list of 'desired characteristics' and who manners to avoid all the qualities on the 'deal breakers' list, that even then, it does not signify that a relationship should, or ought, to work out. Meeting, or not meeting, these lists does not make a relationship last, and it definitely does not save a relationship. If anything, they prolong the inevitable end, because we have convinced ourselves that there's no good reason why it shouldn't work out--that there's no legitimate reason why we should break up with our significant other--and why we should stay and stick through it.

Having these sort of lists, I think, are a good sort of skeleton, because like I said before, people should have standards, and should know what it is that they want. But we should recognize the flaws and limits of these lists, and should be honest with ourselves when we feel that something isn't quite right. We might not be able to explain it, to reason through it, but then again, we shouldn't sell ourselves short either.