Gah!

gosh, I wish I were brave and courageous and that sometimes I could seize life by the reins and just go. I wish I were more proactive, instead of laying in my bed in front of my laptop watching youtube videos and visiting fashion blogs (...not that there's anything wrong with that, you you get my point). I want to do so many things like take up piano, get myself to the gym, read more, spend time with friends more, cook more, take up spanish/french/italian again, but I just don't. And the worst part is that nothing is preventing me, nothing really, from doing all these things. I could take up lessons, I could take a class, I could do something and be more than I am. Maybe its just the end of the year that's making me think/feel this way. But I think not, since I've done a lot of thinking this year and these sort of thoughts were always with me. Its just that these sort of thoughts are brought more to the forefront because another year is ending (and OMG am I turning 25 next year?!) and aspects of our daily lives, our accomplishments, our failures, our humanity and mortality become more apparent. Have I lived the way I wanted? In a way that makes me happy? Am I proud to call my life my own? What have I learned? As much as it may depress the heck outta me, I think these are all questions to ask ourselves, regardless of if its the end of the year or not. Being aware of ourselves, of our actions, of our words, and taking responsibility for them are all part of growth, I think.

In any case, gosh, I need to make a more conscious effort to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk haha.

Oh, it's Love!

It's FINALLY getting colder, the malls are all decked out in their holiday gear, reds, whites, greens are everywhere to be seen, starbucks has their eggnog lattes and their peppermint mochas out, and every once and awhile, I get to hear some Christmas music...

It's beginning to feel a lot like the holidays, and I for one, am super excited!! Everything, and I mean everything about this time of the year makes me feel happy. Although I know we don't really get seasons here, and that I'm also super stressed out with the end of the semester, I just love love love the holidays.

It's a time for baking, a time for eating, a time of getting together with the people you care about, and showing appreciation for life that is just not present (unfortunately) during the rest of the year. It just gives something warm and comfy, and I don't even care that I'm flying solo for every event and gather. I'm going to make the most of it=)

"Hitler as a TA"

beautiful.

yo yo ma & morricone-- Malena> Giuseppe Tornatore Suite.

Owl City L<3Ve.

Check out the music video for this song... its super cuuuuute =)

Leaving the Ivory Tower

sigh.

All around me, anxious and eager grad students prepare themselves for the next step: their post-MA life. They cram for their GREs, the write up statements of purpose, seek out letters of recommendation, etc. Me? I watch them. As it stands, I will not be entering Fall 2010 as a grad student...anywhere. For various reasons, I am in the process of leaving the Ivory Tower of Academia.

Its a dangerous, uncharted territory for me.

And as I head towards the light, I can only see the major pitfall of having been a student/scholar/academic for the past 6-going-on-7 years: I am completely and utterly at a loss.

Here's the thing, you think college would prepare you for a life beyond it. That it gives you the necessary skills to be successful post-bac as you head into the "real word" as a contributing member of society. That's what you think.

Now, granted, I'm sure that happens for some people. Let's just not call them students in the Humanities/Arts/Letters.

I made a conscious choice, oh, maybe 5 years ago, to abandon the path that leads you to A to B to C and gives you lots of money. What was I thinking?!?! Who would have thunk that 5 years down the road, I'd be backed up into a corner with no skill set, no path, and no options.

Stupid, stupid girl.

Okay, so I'm not completely without skills. They are just...peculiar and specialized. Specialized in a way that is advantageous to no one...not me, not society, nobody. And this, my friends, is the drawback and major complaint filed against academics: That their skill set exists only within the Ivory Tower.

The skills of research, argumentation, writing etc etc etc can make you successful in academia. But how do these skills translate to "real" jobs? They don't. So much of what threatens the university system is the fact that graduates are ill-equipped for the transition from "student" to "job applicant." Forget the civil engineers, the chem/bio majors, the poli-sci majors, business majors... what about me whose degrees are humanities and history....

And so, as I prepare to leave this Ivory Tower that has housed me, fed me and nurtured me, I can't help but feel a bit disgruntled that I will be left out in the cold. I can't do anything! I have always been a mix of "not good enough"-- not quite good enough to do Classics...although not quite good enough to do History, etc etc etc-- but this just takes the cake! Not quite good enough to survive? Not gonna lie, it hurts a little bit. Darwin would probably say that I should have been filtered out ages ago.

But here's the thing that worries me the most: I don't want to be one of those people who settle for whatever comes their way. I know that I've been blessed enough in my life to not have to worry about surviving from paycheck to paycheck, and that I've been given the opportunities that I didn't deserve, but I still choose to live a life that has meaning. I just need to figure it out. And soon!

one-oh-one.

I only just found out that my last post (the hot dog) was my 100th post on Mirth! But since its too late to celebrate that milestone, I decided to celebrate this 101th post instead=) woot woot! Here's to many more useless ramblings, annoying obsessions, and obnoxious over-analysis!!

Oh, and to my 2 readers, hello and thanks for reading =) [haha I delude myself into thinking there are even two readers of Mirth!]

anyway, no updates lately simply because I've been too busy. School kicked in and is kicking me down--I've got to be DONE with my thesis by the end of this year, that's like only like 15 weeks left or something! :o I also started my TAship, which has its better days, and quit my job as a numba one barrristaa baby. But its a crazy situation with the universities (as with most everywhere else), and I'm only barely getting used to how things work.

I planned the transition between jobs poorly, I have to say, because I'm basically living on like, no money whatsoever. Hello cup of noodles, why that kids meal is looking mighty tasty, etc etc etc. I even have a running list of the things I will buy when I get my first pay check (that is, after paying off some of that credit card debt I've been racking up since my income ran out): haircut, shoes, paperclips, those big clips for large stacks of paper, sweaters for when it (finally) starts getting cooler, snacks for my office, large, wall-sized maps for my classes, a couple books... as if my paycheck were even something to cover all of that! I know I have to be better about budgeting my money because its the kind where I get paid only once a month, and knowing me, I'd blow it all in two weeks :(

well, that was a rather pointless post, but there you go anyway.