Teaching Chops

There's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and I still don't really know the answer to this conundrum. I wonder if I've got the chops to make it as a teacher...or even if I should be teaching in the first place.

Let me get this out of the way first: this is not about me doubting if I'm smart enough. Like, please. Okay that sounded way too egotistical. What I meant was that I learned a long time about that standing in front of a classroom doesn't necessarily mean you are smarter than everyone else who is sitting down. Far from it, in some cases. But I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. If you don't know something fess up & turn it into a learning experience. Being in front of the classroom doesn't mean you have all the answers. That's not what teaching is supposed to be about.

The less ego you have in the classroom, the better.

Which is why I'm concerned.

Am I the only one cracking up at my lame jokes? Okay then, I'll stop.

The real reason why I'm concerned, is that I may not have a thick enough skin. The first semester I taught was kind of like HELL ON EARTH for me. I literally woke up in the morning dreading having to go to work. I would countdown the minutes until the end of the period...sometimes just letting them go early because I didn't want to have to deal with them anymore. I hated trying to plan things for class that I knew they wouldn't take seriously & by the end, I didn't care anymore either.

On a personal level, it was such a shock to see the sexism/ageism that happened. Fighting to get people to respect me and what I had to say was harder because I was younger & a girl. I as astounded to see that what I had to say meant less because it came out of my mouth.

And of course, I've always been one to take things personally. When students do poorly, I internalize it. When students dont do what I ask of them, I think its a reflection of me and my teaching skills. When students fail, I take it as my own personal failure.

I can't help it.

As I think about where my life is headed, I see teaching sort of on the horizon--whether it be here in the states or in korea. But teaching was never something that I imagined for myself. As me 3 years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago (omg I sound so old), what I wanted to do when I grew up, and teaching was never ever even a consideration.

And so I can't help but think, am I doing this because it makes the most sense? Instead of seizing an opportunity, am I just taking what's handed to me?

Because teachers, I feel, should want to teach. We've all had them. Teachers who should have never become teachers, but somehow are--and you can tell they hate teaching. Some will even own up to it. So how did they find themselves there?

I don't want to be one of those people.

Teaching is hard. It's not glamorous. It's rough. It's time consuming. It's taxing on your nerves, sanity, and emotions.

I also know its about developing a thick skin. By the second semester that I taught, I felt like I was more equipped to deal with students--its not that I was necessarily a better teacher, but that I maybe cared less, which sounds horrible. I cared less in the sense that I didn't let every little thing bother me. Because before I'd lose sleep over my students and my class. I'd stay up for hours, processing and agonizing every little thing that I had done wrong or had gone wrong. That second semester, I cared less. I had to, for my personal sanity.

And I can't also help but wonder, if it's so difficult for me now... how much worse in another country where I don't know the language?

On another note: apparently my documents all cleared in korea... I'm just waiting for my contract to be sent back to me. Any day now EPIK. any day now.

Also, I think I've made my new year's resolution for 2011-20112 (does that sound futuristic or anyone else? and by that I mean, we should be all flying our own spaceships & have our personal time machines?): learn korean. this resolution may extend for 2013 and beyond.

& note to self: get your butt back to learning korean. bc you marrying G-Dragon, TOP and Taeyang is not gonna happen with you only knowing english. kthxbai.