The one where I'm productive (sorta).

Last night I wasn't feeling well after trying to play scrabble on an iphone in the car. I passed out at 7pm and didn't wake up until 7am today. It was my own fault too. I knew I was going to get sick but who am I to let a little illness hold me back from a game of scrabble? After deciding to skip out of our cycling class, the juice and I went to hillcrest for breakfast at hash house. 3 times is the charm because we tried to go twice before (on the weekend) and the line/wait was much too long for our empty stomachs. But today being a indiscript tuesday, the wait time was exactly zero seconds long. I got the smoked house scramble with sun dried tomatoes, goat cheese and spinach with griddled mashed potatoes, yellow watermelon and a big buttery biscuit & the juice got the fried chicken sage eggs benedict--it was GINORMOUS!! the plate was seriously 10 lbs. I like going to HH because its good food thats worth every penny you pay for it. Big portions & always take home boxes. You eat for the whole day=)

after another nap (food coma!), I got home to take care of some business. party planning, job searching, fafsa filling, email sending, gre studying. I feel half accomplished today. the thing that would make it better is if I hit the gym. the juice's basketball game was cancelled today so there's absolutely no reason for me not to go. no reason. no reason. no reason. man I hate the gym. 

on another note, I was emailing the volunteer coordinator today about my schedule this month & she let me know that they will hiring for a new position and that it should be up in a few days. I'm excited and yet not because me being a volunteer doesnt necessarily mean I'll be hired. After being disappointed at all the other museum/arts jobs I've applied to, it doesnt look promising. I have no real idea what the position will be, but I'm hoping. 

oh, and its my dad's birthday. feliz cumpleanos pinche=)

Worth Striving For.

I've decided that life can only be lived in strives. yes, strives.

Life can pass you by in million fleeting and whispery moments that barely let you analyze anything about what you feel in that moment or what you think about the world in that moment or how you view yourself in that moment. The overall effect can be, well, numbing. Combined with our daily routines of school, work, tv programs, laundry, or maybe for the lucky ones, gym-going, we can get lost in the monotony of it all and lose our sense of direction. of purpose. of being. we become numb. we grow accustomed. but even worse, we stop dreaming. 

It is only in the dreaming, the striving, the desire, do we find purpose. In the yearning for something more do we see ourselves as plainly as we ever had. In the hoping do we make change--in ourselves, in our bodies, in our minds, and hopefully in the world. perhaps we never get to see our lives as clearly as when we are in the act of striving. striving is what keeps us. what keeps us whole, what keeps us sane, what keeps us alive. Because the minute we stop striving, is the minute we grow numb and loose ourselves all over again. the journey moves us and is what moves us. 

 it is powerful. it is what moves the world. it is desire and passion and irresistible. striving is beautiful. to strive is to live. to live well. to live happily. like jesse, happiness is in the doing.

This is how my heart behaves...

what does it mean to have a great love?

is it heart-pounding in your ears nervousness? is it sweaty palms? is it moments of sheer euphoria? is it mutual? is it unrequited? does it come with crippling sadness? is it every moment of every day? is it conscious? is it deliberate? is it sickening? is it considerate? is it always? is it ever boring? is it found racing in your veins? is it always novel? is it beautiful?

is it the kind of love fairy tales are made of? 

I, of all people, should know better. I call myself a cynic, a pessimist, and I am fully aware of the reality of life. And yet I still am, at my best, a ridiculously hopeless--and I mean hopeless--romantic. I won't hardly admit aloud that I like the idea or soulmates--of the idea that two people were made entirely for one another, of destiny, of happily-ever after and all that (I know, I cringe as I read this too).

The worst part of life for people like me, and all you sick romantics, is we are constantly measuring our relationship against the impossible knight in shining armour, Mr. Perfect, or, as I like to call him, Mr. Darcy. 

Because...whether we admit it to ourselves, or whether we wear our hearts on our sleeves for the whole world to see... we want that great love. I want that heart-stopping kind of love, those ever illusive moments where something far greater than yourself just overwhelms you and makes you a part of something cosmic and instinctive and awe-some. 

So can people like me ever have normal relationships? Sure, I can say that I know the difference between whats real and whats ideal, but that doesn't mean I won't still have expectations or fantasizes inspired by my own Mr. Darcy of what I want out of relationships and what I want from anyone I'm with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dressing up in period costume or purposely trying to create moments of romantic comedies. And I know I shouldn't, because it's incredibly unfair, but  I can't help but think...

is this the way it's supposed to be?

Is this my great love? Is this it?

oh, perish the thought. the whole point of Mr. Darcy is that he IS ideal. He is perfect. He is flawless. He lives in a world that is controlled solely by me and my thoughts and my wants and needs. He can always be everything I need. He never fails me. But the boyfriends of the reality kind are a bit different. They have flaws. Lots of them. They have no idea what I'm thinking or needing or feeling. They don't always come through. They can't be my everything.

So where does that leave me? Do I forfeit the dream of the Mr. Darcys and the Mr. McDreamys for the Mr. LetmeDowns and the Mr. MakemeCrys just because the boys of the reality kind have settled for some deficient standard? Must I, in turn, settle? Do I give up on the notion of a perfect feeling of love?

Or is it a matter of shifting my perspective? Mr. Darcy will always be there when I need him, but in the meantime, maybe this reality kind of love is exactly what I'm meant to have. What I'm supposed to experience and perfect in ways I have yet to appreciate.  

It may not always be butterflies, or sweaty palms. It may not be an obvious kind of love. It may not be the stuff that fairy tale endings are made of. 

But it is a real kind of love. It is a truer kind of love. And that is more than any Mr. knight in shining armour could ever give.

Where did the time go?

It's already mid-summer and I can honestly say that I have accomplished a whole lot...of nothing, that is. Ideally, I would already have read through a couple books, translated a couple hundred lines of latin, be along in my internship, begun studying to retake my GRE. what exactly have I done? Watched all 20+ episodes of season 3 Grey's Anatomy, played a couple hundred rounds of text twist (now conveniently located on my bookmarks bar), not to mention my daily crossword, dropped my internship. summer just has a way of making me LAZY, I can't help it. 

On another note, I am cooking/baking a whole lot. trying out new recipes and even my birthday present (my food processor) which I finally got around to using last week when I was making cheesecake. It even came with a recipe book so I can make my own bread and pizza dough among other things. The only draw back is that since I bake so much, I'm also left E.A.T.I.N.G. all that I make which isnt a good thing for me, the gym-dis-inclined haha.

BUT he and I started taking a cycling class on tuesdays (and possibly) thursdays so at least I'll be forced to go since I'm in a class. I like the instructor guy on tuesdays because he's chill and plays 80s music, but the girl on thursdays is sooo psycho. we were late for her class so we didnt go in since we couldnt get bikes next to each other, but I was watching through the glass and she was making them go so fast and hard for like the whole hour. people were just dripping sweat and looked like they were training for the freaking tour de france. I would have died if I was in that class. So I think i'm sticking to tuesday mornings as my cycle day. the funny thing was, last class, oj couldnt even make it through the whole hour. he said he was "dehydrated" so he left about half way through and right before we did the most grueling part of the class! talk about being lazy!

on another note, my bestest backup in the whole wide world finally came home last week! I was so excited and nervous to see him after him being away in Paris for a whole year--and our communication was sparse. it was a long tough year but its so wonderful to have him back and we have such plans to get to! the only thing that could make things better is if sonya would just get back here and stay here...

today...

I didn't do much. I watched a lot to TV on the only 4 channels I know since we moved from time warner cable to cox. food network. bravo. e! and mtv. boy meets grill. e news weekend. forbes top 20 royals. iron chef. top chef. americas best dance crew auditions... that, and a few rounds of text twist. my head started to hurt after awhile. and I wonder at how I'm going blind.

BUT I did make biscotti today! the first batch turned out a little on the crispy side since I was watching ABDC but the second batch was perfect. honey and almond. honey and walnut. the reciepe was originally honey and almond, but it asked for slivered almonds, and I only had whole shelled almonds. after 20 minutes of nut-cracking and attempting to make slivers, I gave up and toasted walnuts haha. they are tasty but not break-your-teeth kind of hard, so I'm pretty darn proud of myself =D

so yesterday I got my hair cut. finally. at least 5 inches cut off. feels lighter and healthier but I feel like I have NO HAIR haha. who know how people talk about phantom pain? well I have phantom hair hahaha. the only thing, is that I should have stopped the layers earlier because...well because, in a certain light, it could look like I have a mullet. lol. I didnt make an appointment and so the girl who usually does my hair was booked, so I had a new girl. she was fun, we had an interesting conversation about movies and boys. it was the best salon talk I've had. lol.

Summer Lovin'

These are lazy days. lots and lots of sleep. some work. more play. It's like a complete 180 from my life one month ago when I was super busy, had no sleep and definitely no time to play. These are definitely summer days. 

...but I also have a tendency to become bored easily. bored, and antsy. because I have all this time, I want to go out and do something. A few days of rest and doing absolutely nothing are much needed after the stress of school, and I am always grateful to have them, but then, after about 2 weeks or so, I start to get bored. especially now, I have no summer school or anything. plus the friends are in vegas this weekend so I'm just hanging out at home, when I'm not at work. 

which brings me to the topic of that place in which I get paid too little and treated like I'm an idiot and irritated by people who talk too much and do too little. anyone whose known me for a while knows that I can never stay at a job for too long. jobs are jobs are jobs because I've never been employed doing what I want to do...mostly because I didn't know what I wanted to do and so could never find a job that could turn into a career. I take a job to suit my lack of income, stay at it for about a year, and for whatever reason, around the year mark, something happens where I just snap and quit. Don't get me wrong, I don't go all crazy and go all dramatic, and usually no big turning point occurs, but I just get a... feeling. I think it might be the mixture of becoming accustomed to the job to the point of monotony and boredom, combined with the overwhelming realization that the job does absolutely nothing for me but feed my income. I have no real interest in retail, food service, customer service etc., and the pointlessness becomes over bearing. Plus, I'm probably irritated enough where I decide that I just don't care enough to pretend anymore that I do. So what are my options? What do I do? I quit! haha. 

now now, this does NOT label me a quitter. I'm not quitting at any of my life goals or my aspirations, and definitely not at anything that actually holds some relevance for me. I'm just making a decision to part with an aspect of my life that I feel no longer suits me. It's natural. The longest job I held was at the hotel, but thats because the money kept me in haha. Looking back, it was a good thing, and maybe I should have stayed longer--but then who wants to get trapped in some job just for the money? Not I. I always wanted to aspire to living my life's joy--and so in essence, you could say that by quitting on all my jobs, I'm NOT quitting on that dream. so hah.

I did have the chance to leave a couple of times before for other jobs. But I suppose a part of me was not fed up yet, and still comfortable, with my current job to actually leave. Another factor, in which there is no point of denying, is that I stayed for him. 

but now let me say, it's time to move on. I'm starting to get really interested in public history, and I'm in the process of applying for different positions and internships. I did get the internship with the Archaeological Center--I start this Thursday. But everyone seems to be on vacation, so I won't here back from the Historical Society for a few more days at least. But here's hoping for something good! =)

rained on.

this memorial weekend oj and I decided to go up to san francisco. everything was nice (except for maybe the weather), the food was especially good, napa valley was funny, and the company couldn't be better. it all made for a very relaxing reward after such a rough semester.

the worst part of it, however, was coming home just to be yelled at for cleaning, or more specifically, not cleaning my room--what a way to completely ruin the weekend. It's as if my whole vacation was just an excuse for people to go into my room and go through my stuff. That's so damn annoying. I need a lock on my door or something. And she wonders why I never tell her anything. Now I'm just sitting in my room not willing to go out or talk to anyone. I came home with gifts and ready to talk about how my weekend went, and now my good mood is completely ruined. 

In this sense, I think me and the boy are similar. cross us once, and we are ready to hold grudges against you forever. there really is no point in trying. What freaking drives me crazy is that she thinks I have all this time to clean--when I really know that its just a metaphor. That I can't be too busy since I have time to spend with him. What crap. Yes I prioritize--who doesn't? but she doesn't understand that I have a million things going on--how could she possibly know what I have going on in my life when I don't tell her ANYTHING. She has no conception of what I'm doing and I'm not willing to let her in on the details of my life because, lets face it, there's no real point now and I swear as long as I keep a clean room, it wouldn't matter if I shot someone. 

anyway, it just makes me want to move out. and yet I know the reality of my situation. Well, hopefully by this time next year my prospects will look brighter.

but man, I hate it when someone rains on my parade.