Things I'm Excited For!!!~

- San Francisco! Even though I'm only going up for a few hours on Friday, I seriously cannot wait to go I <3 SF! =D

-Thanksgiving & Thanksmas! All the cooking shows make the best stuff just in time for the holidays & I'm writing down everything! dried cranberry & apple stuffing, brie mashed potatoes, red velvet cookie sandwiches, pumpkin cheesecake yum yum yum!! And I cant wait for thanksmas this year! we have so much to be thankful for & its always good to spend the holidays with friends & eat great food!

-the Holiday season! I love love love love love November-December because its cheerful and warms the soul <3 just like hot chocolate on a cold night. I always start to listen to frank sinatra, louis armstrong, ella fitzgerald, & think of new york even though I've never been =( I really wish I could go to New York this year but with the finances being as tight as they are, thats a plan put on hold.

-Our New President!! OBAMA-SAMA~woot=D

just..gotta get through classes first. big big big presentation tomorrow that I'm stressing over. Must get through it though, and san fran awaits me the next day.

Happy November 2nd!

I don't have a theme for this post. It's just a bunch of random thoughts because I'm avoiding my homework haha.

Halloween was fun!~~I ended up being a ballerina for the night. The idea hit me while I was at the fabric store, and I wandered into the pretty netting/tulle aisle. I was reminded of Degas' ballerinas: 

I love Degas' ballerinas--and Ballerinas in Blue especially. So I bought my stuff and made my tutu! it was a lot of work on a friday afternoon in which I also had to write a paper :I

The girls were fun too! handsome christ and glowing jaz were morticia and gomez from the adams family, tiff was the girl from futurama, hole was 80s, nessa was a firewoman but looked like mrs. claus, sheens was rhianna. oj looked like a doctor, but wasnt just any doctor. His name tag (mine) reads: McDreamy hahaha. and he put product in his hair!

Tuesday is the big day!! Make sure you guys get out a vote vote vote! I know how I'm voting on the bigger issues, but I need to read up on some props and candidates platforms. I think more than just voting, its important to be a responsible voter. So brush up on your reading skills & make your votes count on Tuesday!!

I need to figure out a better financial situation. things are getting dire because I'm literally living pay check to pay check--and making coffee doesn't pay the bills. I have 2 other side jobs, but I only get paid monthly, and so its not a reliable source of income. With the holiday season coming up, I dont know what I'm going to do. Rob a bank?

the History of it.

Ever think about the future?

And no, I'm not talking about tomorrow, or even tomorrow's tomorrow, or even the tomorrow after that. And I'm definitely not talking about the future of an individual life. Think weeks, months, years, centuries, even millenia in the future... and the life of the people therein. 

In the midst of my studies, it often occurs to me that my life's work, all my efforts at crafting aspects of a social history, is the result of happenstance or sheer chance. I choose to study ancient history. I choose to explore, examine, and interpret the works remaining of a by-gone age, of a civilization whose only testament of existence is found in weather worn monuments, faded inscriptions, the ruins of buildings, and the fragmentary complilation of text. The grandeur of Rome, of its famed Republic and its notorious Emperors, of its legendary wars and

mythological gods, of its people, all reduced to its by products. 

So after a civilization dies, what remains? What stories are left to be told? What lessons learned? And what is left to be remembered by?

And how is it possible for someone like me, living some two thousand years later, to have even the smallest hope of understanding what it must have been like for a woman--a woman--to live a life where she had nearly no say in the events of her life, and where she always lived under the hand of a man. 

And what will someone living two thousand years from today, from this moment, from this breath, have to say about our own civilization? What will remain? What stories will be left? How will we be remembered?

Do them all a favor. Buy books. And write. Write in something tangible so that the person in the future can have something tangible to say, here, here is what a life was like. 

The one where I'm productive (sorta).

Last night I wasn't feeling well after trying to play scrabble on an iphone in the car. I passed out at 7pm and didn't wake up until 7am today. It was my own fault too. I knew I was going to get sick but who am I to let a little illness hold me back from a game of scrabble? After deciding to skip out of our cycling class, the juice and I went to hillcrest for breakfast at hash house. 3 times is the charm because we tried to go twice before (on the weekend) and the line/wait was much too long for our empty stomachs. But today being a indiscript tuesday, the wait time was exactly zero seconds long. I got the smoked house scramble with sun dried tomatoes, goat cheese and spinach with griddled mashed potatoes, yellow watermelon and a big buttery biscuit & the juice got the fried chicken sage eggs benedict--it was GINORMOUS!! the plate was seriously 10 lbs. I like going to HH because its good food thats worth every penny you pay for it. Big portions & always take home boxes. You eat for the whole day=)

after another nap (food coma!), I got home to take care of some business. party planning, job searching, fafsa filling, email sending, gre studying. I feel half accomplished today. the thing that would make it better is if I hit the gym. the juice's basketball game was cancelled today so there's absolutely no reason for me not to go. no reason. no reason. no reason. man I hate the gym. 

on another note, I was emailing the volunteer coordinator today about my schedule this month & she let me know that they will hiring for a new position and that it should be up in a few days. I'm excited and yet not because me being a volunteer doesnt necessarily mean I'll be hired. After being disappointed at all the other museum/arts jobs I've applied to, it doesnt look promising. I have no real idea what the position will be, but I'm hoping. 

oh, and its my dad's birthday. feliz cumpleanos pinche=)

Worth Striving For.

I've decided that life can only be lived in strives. yes, strives.

Life can pass you by in million fleeting and whispery moments that barely let you analyze anything about what you feel in that moment or what you think about the world in that moment or how you view yourself in that moment. The overall effect can be, well, numbing. Combined with our daily routines of school, work, tv programs, laundry, or maybe for the lucky ones, gym-going, we can get lost in the monotony of it all and lose our sense of direction. of purpose. of being. we become numb. we grow accustomed. but even worse, we stop dreaming. 

It is only in the dreaming, the striving, the desire, do we find purpose. In the yearning for something more do we see ourselves as plainly as we ever had. In the hoping do we make change--in ourselves, in our bodies, in our minds, and hopefully in the world. perhaps we never get to see our lives as clearly as when we are in the act of striving. striving is what keeps us. what keeps us whole, what keeps us sane, what keeps us alive. Because the minute we stop striving, is the minute we grow numb and loose ourselves all over again. the journey moves us and is what moves us. 

 it is powerful. it is what moves the world. it is desire and passion and irresistible. striving is beautiful. to strive is to live. to live well. to live happily. like jesse, happiness is in the doing.

This is how my heart behaves...

what does it mean to have a great love?

is it heart-pounding in your ears nervousness? is it sweaty palms? is it moments of sheer euphoria? is it mutual? is it unrequited? does it come with crippling sadness? is it every moment of every day? is it conscious? is it deliberate? is it sickening? is it considerate? is it always? is it ever boring? is it found racing in your veins? is it always novel? is it beautiful?

is it the kind of love fairy tales are made of? 

I, of all people, should know better. I call myself a cynic, a pessimist, and I am fully aware of the reality of life. And yet I still am, at my best, a ridiculously hopeless--and I mean hopeless--romantic. I won't hardly admit aloud that I like the idea or soulmates--of the idea that two people were made entirely for one another, of destiny, of happily-ever after and all that (I know, I cringe as I read this too).

The worst part of life for people like me, and all you sick romantics, is we are constantly measuring our relationship against the impossible knight in shining armour, Mr. Perfect, or, as I like to call him, Mr. Darcy. 

Because...whether we admit it to ourselves, or whether we wear our hearts on our sleeves for the whole world to see... we want that great love. I want that heart-stopping kind of love, those ever illusive moments where something far greater than yourself just overwhelms you and makes you a part of something cosmic and instinctive and awe-some. 

So can people like me ever have normal relationships? Sure, I can say that I know the difference between whats real and whats ideal, but that doesn't mean I won't still have expectations or fantasizes inspired by my own Mr. Darcy of what I want out of relationships and what I want from anyone I'm with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dressing up in period costume or purposely trying to create moments of romantic comedies. And I know I shouldn't, because it's incredibly unfair, but  I can't help but think...

is this the way it's supposed to be?

Is this my great love? Is this it?

oh, perish the thought. the whole point of Mr. Darcy is that he IS ideal. He is perfect. He is flawless. He lives in a world that is controlled solely by me and my thoughts and my wants and needs. He can always be everything I need. He never fails me. But the boyfriends of the reality kind are a bit different. They have flaws. Lots of them. They have no idea what I'm thinking or needing or feeling. They don't always come through. They can't be my everything.

So where does that leave me? Do I forfeit the dream of the Mr. Darcys and the Mr. McDreamys for the Mr. LetmeDowns and the Mr. MakemeCrys just because the boys of the reality kind have settled for some deficient standard? Must I, in turn, settle? Do I give up on the notion of a perfect feeling of love?

Or is it a matter of shifting my perspective? Mr. Darcy will always be there when I need him, but in the meantime, maybe this reality kind of love is exactly what I'm meant to have. What I'm supposed to experience and perfect in ways I have yet to appreciate.  

It may not always be butterflies, or sweaty palms. It may not be an obvious kind of love. It may not be the stuff that fairy tale endings are made of. 

But it is a real kind of love. It is a truer kind of love. And that is more than any Mr. knight in shining armour could ever give.

Where did the time go?

It's already mid-summer and I can honestly say that I have accomplished a whole lot...of nothing, that is. Ideally, I would already have read through a couple books, translated a couple hundred lines of latin, be along in my internship, begun studying to retake my GRE. what exactly have I done? Watched all 20+ episodes of season 3 Grey's Anatomy, played a couple hundred rounds of text twist (now conveniently located on my bookmarks bar), not to mention my daily crossword, dropped my internship. summer just has a way of making me LAZY, I can't help it. 

On another note, I am cooking/baking a whole lot. trying out new recipes and even my birthday present (my food processor) which I finally got around to using last week when I was making cheesecake. It even came with a recipe book so I can make my own bread and pizza dough among other things. The only draw back is that since I bake so much, I'm also left E.A.T.I.N.G. all that I make which isnt a good thing for me, the gym-dis-inclined haha.

BUT he and I started taking a cycling class on tuesdays (and possibly) thursdays so at least I'll be forced to go since I'm in a class. I like the instructor guy on tuesdays because he's chill and plays 80s music, but the girl on thursdays is sooo psycho. we were late for her class so we didnt go in since we couldnt get bikes next to each other, but I was watching through the glass and she was making them go so fast and hard for like the whole hour. people were just dripping sweat and looked like they were training for the freaking tour de france. I would have died if I was in that class. So I think i'm sticking to tuesday mornings as my cycle day. the funny thing was, last class, oj couldnt even make it through the whole hour. he said he was "dehydrated" so he left about half way through and right before we did the most grueling part of the class! talk about being lazy!

on another note, my bestest backup in the whole wide world finally came home last week! I was so excited and nervous to see him after him being away in Paris for a whole year--and our communication was sparse. it was a long tough year but its so wonderful to have him back and we have such plans to get to! the only thing that could make things better is if sonya would just get back here and stay here...